Prayer

Please help this test that just bumped my arm to go well, and please help yesterday's test to have gone well. We're grateful for the french fries and the ice cream and please bless them that they may nourish and strengthen our bodies. Please help us to reach the room down the hallway safely. Please help those who didn't want to be that they will want to be here next time.

Word of the Year

asdf ā-es-dē-ef

Noun

1 What someone types when they are not sure if the computer program they are typing on -such as facebook, blogspot, online applications, etc- is using spellcheck or not.

2 What someone types as an email subject for an email they don't care about. I was sending an email to myself so I just put asdf as my subject.

3 What someone types when they need to type something.

ORIGIN Late 20th century early 21st century from the internet language.

pun of the day xiii

What are the benefits of working in the field of agriculture?

You get to enjoy the fruits of your labors.

Some lightbulb jokes vi

How many tv personalities does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

We'll have that number and more, after the break.

How many adults does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

When I was your age we didn't even have lightbulbs.

How manny rappers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, it's not that complicated, they set a beat and say some rhyming stuff about how they and their brothers are changing lightbulbs in the hood.

Can Green Day change a lightbulb?

Yes, but somewhere around the middle you'll think they stopped.

Murphy's law of the day ii

No matter how many times you try using water to rinse the milk out of the cup; the taste still won't go away until you drink it.

Pun of the day xii

A boy is shoveling a man's driveway. He's gotten all of the snow cleared but he still needs some salt. The man comes out; he is satisfied with the boy's performance so far and he says, "that's anice job."

Things I get mixed up ii

U2, you too, you two, and YouTube.

Dell, Windows, and Microsoft.

Christmas season and Thanksgiving season. (music on the radio)

Spring constant, kinetic energy, Boltzmann constant, kilo, Kelvin, thermal conductivity, Columb's law constant, magnetic constant, dielectric constant, and everything else k stands for.

The inconsistency of men women jokes ii

There are jokes about how women are such bad drivers.

Example: Beer has estrogen, you start crying, you talk to much and don't make sense, and you can't drive.

Yet men have to pay higher insurance rates, particullary teens.

Health Care Observations

The republicans generally say that the private sector out performs the public sector and puts it to shame. For example conservatives are more likely to support school vouchers. However they say that the democrats' health care plans shouldn't be passed because a "public option" would be terrible because it would "destroy" the private insurance sector, interestingly they would talk about inefficiencies at the dmv when this stuff was getting started.

Harry Reid recently said that there would likely be health care vote on the upcoming Saturday, a few weeks earlier there already was a likely vote on health care on saturday.

Health care reform is to hard to pay attention to because sometimes there is a public option, sometimes there isn't, and sometimes it's an optional public option.

You've probably heard about this but some people have been seen holding up signs that say "keep the government out of my medicare."

RS

Bias?

In December of 2004 a list was compiled of the 500 best songs, number 1 was Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan, number 2 was Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones, the list was put together by Rolling Stone Magazine.

Irony?

In March of 2004 Rolling Stone magazine compiled a list of the 100 best artists in a list titled The Immortals. Number 70 was The Police and it was presented to them by Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers.

Great Gatsby Panel

Lemony Snicket: Good afternoon, today we will discusing The Great Gatsby and the American Dream, our panel today consists of Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate, Sarah Palin, video game character, Link, and Facebook Friend, My name is Lemony Snicket and I will be your host today.

Lemony Snicket: For those of you who are listening let me warn you that this is the most terrible radio program on the air and if you listen you will be totally miserable. With all do respect Lemony Snicket.

Lemony Snicket: For Beatrice, how I hope to never explain who you are.

Lemony Snicket: First of all, what is the Admirable American Dream.

Link: A boy can leave his unsupervised home, earn bragging rights by figuring out every annoying side-quest, (which is debatably very awesome or very pathetic) and make a living by finding a place with reproductive pots, so that he'll be so rich that he doesn't enjoy finding large amounts of money anymore.

Sarah Palin: A person can leave there home an by hard work they can become more than a hockey-mom, but also have so many houses that they can't even count them all.

Facebook Friend: thinks the american dream is that a man can build a successful farm and bother his friends to become farm neighbors and send them gifts that not all of them care about.

Lemony Snicket: Facebook Friend explain the Rational Reason for a Fair Farm.

Facebook Friend: wants the audience to know that it's a game we play on Facebook. One of the ways that it ties in with the american dream is that we all hope is that our farmer will be prosperous enough to purchase a computer make a Facebook account of his own and that he himself can play farmville.

Lemony Snicket: You mean to tell me that there are Virtual Fun Doings within Virtual Fun Doings, an expression which here means a virtual life within  virtual life.

Facebook Friend: says yes, this is what Dwight was getting at in that office episode where he was telling the audience about his flying salesman who played a virtual life game.

Lemony Snicket: What should people do when they are discouraged.

Link: Grunt, pause, and look at the Internet.

Facebook Friend: Only 3 more days.

Lemony Snicket: Until what?

Link: Heuh.

Sarah Palin: Until' whatcha?

Lemony Snicket: What is meant by the Brilliant Billboard over the Valley of Fine Dirt and expression which here means The Valley of Ashes.

Facebook Friend: doesn't know what the english reading is, someone tell him.

Lemony Snicket: In case you have ever wondered[Link held down the "b" button to skip this section of the transcript because Mr. Snicket just stalls by describing an obscure scenario or state of mind instead of moving the plot forward]

Sarah Palin: I can see the green light from Gatsby's house.

Facebook Friend: kik.

Link: Tee hee hee.

Lemony Snicket: Now let's take a question form the Adorable Audience.

Caller: For Facebook Friend; what are the first three chapters about, and why do you keep talking in third person.

Facebook Friend: blames it on the new facebook format.

Facebook Friend: thinks that the third capter is about Nick recieving an invitation to Gatsby's parties and how nobody there cares who Gatsby is.

Facebook Friend: thinks that first chapter has Nick introducing himself and talking about a lesson he learned from his dad.

F Scott Fitzgerald, Zelda Fitzgerald, and someone you don't even know are now friends with Facebook Friend.

Facebook Friend: says that the second chapter introduces the Valley of Ashes.

Nick Carroway, Jordan Baker, and three friends are attending Gatsby's party.

Lemony Snicket: Why is it that your responses are all of the sudden out of order and about things we don't care about, wouldn't it make more sense to put that stuff in a Cute Column on the right. 

Lemony Snicket: I'm having a hard time putting together Facebook Friend's Curious Chronology.

Link: You think his is hard to figure out. Try solving mine, it starts out with Farore, Din, and Nayru creating Hyrule and later selecting seven sages including including Rauru, and then it gets really complex.

Sarah Palin: Wow, and I thought my kids had clever names.

Lemony Snicket: I now have some questions  for Sarah Palin that the audience sent through Entertaining E-mail, give me a just a second, it's difficult to turn through these pages because they're not all the same size, you could massage yourself on it as I have done on many unfortunate occasions.

Lemony Snicket: What is the difference between East Egg and West Egg?

Sarah Palin: Lipstick, with a bridge to nowhere in between them.

Lemony Snicket: To my dear kind editor the next literature radio panel will be about The Crucible, you are my last hope that the tales of Salem Massachusetts may be told to the general public even though I will tell people not to read them, with all due respect Lemony Snicket.

Interesting Fact: Shigeru Miyamoto has said that the Legend of Zelda games (where Link comes from) were named after Zelda Fitzgerald.

The inconsistency of men women jokes

A husband's perspective of his wife.

Someone who spends too much money on stupid stuff.

Example: A man says, "my wife's credit card was stolen." His friend says, "that's terrible." The man says, "not really, whatever stole it is spending less money than she was."

A son's perspective of his mom.

Someone who doesn't spend nearly as much money as his dad on stupid stuff, particularly fast food.

Example: A Simpsons episode where Bart asks Marge if they can buy a pretzel and she says, "we have pretzels at home."

Ten Things Readers Digest Won't Tell You

1 The table of contents is out of order.

2 The cardboard like pages make it harder to turn through the pages.

3 The bar code often covers parts of the pictures on the front covers but not the advertisements on the back.

4 Sometimes you'll see the answers to the puzzle before you see the puzzle.

5 To cut out the coupons you often have to cut up the last laugh page.

6 The Dec 2009 and the Jan 2010 issue are both the same.

7 The funny quotes are in bold text and the people who thought of them are in small text.

8 Every issue asks you to renew your subscription.

9 The content is frequently interrupted by boring advertisements.

10 We went bankrupt.

Some lightbulb jokes v

How many Microsoft Word programs does it to screw in a lightbulb.

Fragment (consider revising)

How many annoying figure out how this game works games does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

It was the number of fingers I was showing.

How many pokemon does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

The number goes up by about 100 every few years, each time there's less interest.

How many senators or congressmen does it take to screw in a lgithbulb.

Nancy Pelosi has her number, Harry Reid has his, The republicans are supposed to come up with one but they'd rather just oppose the democrats' number, it'll take 60 to prevent a filibuster because the founding fathers believed that a majority shouldn't be enough to screw in a lightbulb. There are actually many different plans on how to screw in a lightbulb even though you often hear about people criticizing the president's plan as if there were only one plan. But no matter how complicated the answer is, some committee (not the senate itselft, just some committee, although if you thought they meant the senate as a whole I don't blame you) will likely have some sort of precursor vote by the end of next week. They were hoping it would be screwed in by August but in retrospective it's kind of funny that we thought that might happen.

Things blogspot underlines in red. (I would know)

blogspot (Ironic)

Barack Obama (George W. Bush is underlined in green)*

facebook (All three of these are underlined in red on facebook as well)

*Barack Obama is the only one not highlighted in yellow if you click the Check Spelling button.

Arizona State (continued)

The Nobel committee's formal reason for giving President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize was, "For his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples." Republicans quickly accused the award saying that he he has not accomplished enough to receive either the Nobel Peace Prize or an honorary degree from Arizona State. Democrats say that he has met the Nobel committee's definition of the prize which is coincidentally; "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."

Arizona State

On Tuesday Arizona State University announced that Prsident Obama has still not accomplished enough to earn an honorary degree, despite giving the commencement address at last summer's graduation ceremony.
A few months after recieving the honorable Not Bush Award, President Obama was awarded with People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive award, People defended the award citing his massive stimulus.
He also recently became the first person to recieve a Presidential Medal of Freedom from himself, although after giving sixteen in August it's not even cool anymore. The president, with his grammy award winning voice replied, "I was shocked, to be honest I don't think I deserve this but I will accept it anyway."
The Person of the Year's advice to those New Jersey children is, "Put away the tv and video games until the homework is done, unless it's me on ESPN."

How to tell if someone is Mormon

Do they not leave until you offer refreshments?

Do they read through the ingredients on the cola?

Do they have an impulse to put away chairs?

When you say "steak", do they ask for a clarification?

Pun of the day xi

Why is it that becoming a pilot isn't to hard?

Because if it doesn't come naturally you can just wing it.

Pun of the day x

What do pro-Nixon people and anti-Nixon people agree on?

He definitely executed the office of President of The United States.

Murphy's law of the day

A technology will work until you're showing people how it works.

A technology will not work until you try showing someone that it doesn't. 

Pun of the day ix

Why couldn't someone be a British Grenadier Guard?

He wasn't in good standing with the government.

Pun of the day viii

Why did they make an action thriller movie about a boy scout camping trip.

Because camping is intense.

Pit

Classic Pit: Dealer gives everyone cards, you trade x number of cards with someone else in exchange for x cards, all cards must be the same but bear and bull both count as as wild card. First person to get 9 of the same food wins.
Communist Pit: Dealer decides who trades with who. Libertarian Pit: There are no rules, but it works out.
Enron Pit: You trade three cards in exchange for two.
2008 Pit: Dealer gives everyone a new hand on top of the one they already have.
Obama Pit: Large stimulus given to everyone over the next to years, this works well because there's no telling what would've happened if the bill hadn't been passed.
AIG Pit: The players give you a ton of cards and then you reward yourself.

Things I get mixed up

ACLU and UCLA

Coldplay and Clearplay

Stephen King and Stephen Hawking

Stephen and Steven (to be honest I'm not sure if I got it right on the above duo)

I can't think of anything

I've been really struggling lately to think of new post ideas, it's not a laughing matter, but I really wish it was.

Unfunny oxymoron

Secularist Christmas music.

Pun of the day vii

Why was Senator Kennedy such a great leader?

He was open-minded.

Some sportsmanship advice

I do not underestimate others, I simply overestimate myself.

You should never lie, because we all know where liars go.

The White House

or

Washington

(this joke does not refer to any particular person or group of people, it is a joke about american attitudes about politicians)

College Board makes announces 6 new tests

Last Tuesday College Board announced that they were creating the following A.P. tests for the 2010-2011 school year.

A.P. whatever your smart lab partner does B

A.P. whatever your smart lab partner does C: Nerdy kids

A.P. whatever your smart lab partner does C: Answers & Drawings

A.P. Block Dude (AB & BC)

A.P. SparkNotes and Composition

Some educational advice

The answers to life's odd problems are not in the back of any book.

Facebook page of someone who needs a job

(They say that employers look at your facebook pages and that affects weather you get hired)

Jonathan Smith loves his children.

Recent Activity

Jonathan and Big Client are now friends

Jonathan became a fan of hard work

Jonathan became a fan of being on time

Jonathan and the people who give out bailouts are now friends

Basic Information

Networks: Harvard

Sex: Male

Relationship Status: Married

Interested in: Women

Political views: Honesty

Religious views: Honesty

Personal information

Activities: Customer service, long and frequent meetings.

Interests: Mondays

Favorite TV Shows: I Love Lucy, The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, Sesame Street, The Brady Bunch, Holgan's heroes.

Favorite Movies: It's a wonderful life, Casablanca, Citizen Cane, 12 Angry Men, Singin' in the Rain, Gone with the Wind, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Next, The Sound of Music, It Happened One Night

Favorite Books: Jane Eyre, The Odyssey, Of Mice and Men, Romeo and Juliet, To Kill a Mockingbird. Macbeth, Lord of the Flies, The Crucible, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Catcher in the Rye, The Grapes of Wrath, The Great Gatsby, The Scarlet Letter, The Jungle, Death of a Salesman, and of course, The Complete works of William Shakespeare.

Favorite Quotations:

That's a great idea boss

I just made a sale

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

-Winston Churchill

Ask not what your employer can do for you, but what you can do for your employer.

If we are Strong, our strength will speak for itself. If we are weak, words will be no help.

-John F. Kennedy

To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult.

-Friedrich Nietzsche.

The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Education and Work

Talented and Gifted High School

Harvard

Previous Employer: White House

Position: High ranking person.

Pages

Children

The Boss

Volunteerism

Helping around the house

Efficiency

Groups

Eagle Scouts, Prominent Father figures, I don't use facebook that much, I speak a foreign language, petition to make the world a better place, 1,000,000 strong for respect for women, no I do not tie my tie in that annoying giant knot way.

Life is a proctored test. The 50th post/6 month spectacular.

Please read out loud the following rules to the students.

Welcome to life, life is a test, please listen to the following rules before you begin.

In life your will be presented with multiple choices. You may not talk about the multiple choice section with any person at any time ever, not in this life or the next.

Please sign the statement that says that if anyone offers to give this test to before the designated time you will absolutely refuse.

You may not talk about the multiple choice section with any person at any time ever, not in this life or the next.

You are forbidden from talking about the written section of your life until 48 hours after it is over, on an unrelated note. You may not talk about the multiple choice section with any person at any time ever, not in this life or the next. If you talk about the written section 47 hours later we will somehow find out and rescind your score.

Please start filling out the scantron, the instructions for filling it out are a lot more complicated than the test itself so pay attention. Please fill out sections A, B, b, C, AA, 1, 2, VII, If you are taking the test for eternal credit fill out Sections: Four, 4, The middle subsection of Section B, and all of the purple ones unless they are square shaped.

You may only use a Number 2 pencil, Number 1 Pencils are an abomination.

This is the English publication of the test, therefore only essays in english will be scored.

You may not use a calculator on the essay portion of the test.

Please put all cell phones, iPods, mp3 players, gameboys, watches, computers, pacemakers, toothbrushes, and every other electronic in the world except for your calculator at the front of the room.

Don't you dare let any pencil lead get outside of the bubbles, the bubble must be completely filled, if you have a change of heart on one of the answers the original bubble must be entirely cleansed.

During the trial there will be a short break, during the break you may not consult any notes, teachers, friends, textbooks, mentors, Simpsons episodes, or the internet.

You are forbidden from talking to your Alaska and Hawaii friends for the next two days.

Please fill in the correct answer for every question, please go over the example below, it will be very helpful.

Which of the following is an animal.

A) Cat

B) Boat

C) House

D) Chicago

In this example the correct answer would be A) cat, so you would circle the bubble for A). Make sure you always read the directions at the beginning of the questions.

You must instantly drop your pencil when the test is over.

You are not allowed to cheat.

For the free will section of the test there are 9 questions in 90 minutes we recommend spending 17 minutes on questions 1 and 3, and 11 minutes for questions 2, 4, 5, 6, and 7.

If you don't know the meaning of life, skip it and come back to it later.

Ounce again you may never talk about the multiple choice section, they've put it in bold three times.

You will receive your score during the last week of July, after all it takes a long time to grade a scantron.

Remember, do your best you've been preparing yourself for this and you'll do fine. But even more important than that.

You may not talk about the multiple choice section with any person at any time ever, not in this life or the next.

The Law of Dance Diffusion

In a hypertonic solution a cell will shift from a high to low concentration.

During a slow dance the dance floor will shift from a high to low concentration.

Pun of the day vi

What do you call a group of people who encourage others to plant plants?

A grass roots campaign.

You know you're from the 00's when. ii

The price of gas makes you cry.

You've lost faith in George Lucas.

Instead of Santa, you have annoying arguments about weather (not pun intended) or not global warming is real.

You can't figure out how a VCR works.

You say you can't live without food, water, or your phone.

Your virtual life is virtually your life.

You don't have to dry your hands when you wash them anymore.

Some irony

A teacher wasting class time to talk about how the No Child Left Behind Act is bad for the educational system.

Radio stations taking time to put emphasis on how their songs are uninterrupted.

Not being able to contact you phone or Internet company's customer service because your phone or Internet isn't working.

Television that encourages kids to read.

Some lightbulb jokes iv

How many Orthodontists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I originally said 6, but I think we're going to need another 3.

How many Complaining kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Like 400 Billion.

How many presidential nominees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's an important issue and another important issue is how my opponent is always wrong.

How many Student council kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one but you need to wear your school spirit.

Facebook

All over the world people are fascinated with the phenomena of Facebook.

A.J. a shy Freshman at Lincoln High School said, "when I first moved here I thought nobody liked me, but now thanks to Facebook I've made a lot of friends without really trying."

His mother agrees, she said, "it's a great way to keep in touch with people from high school that I once made eye contact with."

A.J. also said, "I've joined like a million groups, and about half of them claim to be the largest one." Keep in mind that when it comes to facebook group terminology 1,000,000, usually means about 200,000.

A.J. also said, "it's also a great way to appreciate music, I joined a fan club for Michael Jackson, all 71 of them, a few of which I'm half the membership."

Facebook is also known for it's quizes, the quizes are sort of like fast food resturaunts, not only do they both have one and a half, occasionally two stars, but also in the sense that they ask a few questions, and then you get a crappy result.

You know you're from the 00's when

You dissaprove of the president.
You can't figure out what those phones in public places are for.
Your NEW iPod is no longer new.
You're overwhelmed by the size of 90's headphones.
You can't remember the last time you saw a commercial. (dvr)
You don't have any complete albums. (iTunes)
You count your friends.

You know you're from the 90's when.

You keep hearing about the new pokemon.
You've lost interest in political scandals.
You got your own line for your 16th birthday.
You thought the concept of sending text was obscure.
You braged about caller I.D. to all your friends.
You just got the internet!!!
You thought we were only a decade away from a flying car. (wait, that's every decade.)

Inspired by something that actually happened to me.

This happened to me like yesterday, the wording has been changed to exagerate my point of view.
Poller: Do you think radical left wing judges like Sotomayor who let their personal biases sway their outcome should be on the court?

Me: Uhhhhh, that's not a fair question.

Poller: You must answer with a yes or a no, this is the sort of question where it would be illogical to give a different answer, if you are incapable of giving a yes or a no this poll will end.

Is this really everyone that's here?

Of course this is everyone that's here, how could this not be everyone that's here.

Two quotes you can't handle

I just can't stand tolerance.

Or

I've been putting up with my intolerance forever.

Pun of the day v

What do you call a girl who Can't decide what lame shoes to wear?

A flip-flopper.

Pun of the day iv

What do very good vacuum cleaners and very bad vacuum cleaners have in common?

They really suck.

Pun of the day iii

I wasn't sure if I was going to need my instrument for this event, but I brought it just in case.

Pun of the day ii

I was once in a hot dog eating contest, I was doing really good, but then I choked.

DMV test

This is a well designed test to see if you're a good driver, none of these questions are confusing and a few are answered correctly to help you.

1. What is the most important thing for getting into the kingdom of heaven.
A. Feeding the hungry, clothing the naked.
B. Loving your neighbor as yourself.
C. Going to church, reading the scriptures, and prayer.
D. Wearing a seat belt.

2. A seat belt does which of the following.
A. Makes the driver more comfortable.
B. Makes the driver more cool and attractive.
C. Gives the driver more control.
D. All of the above.

3. A driver license is what.
A. Evidence of the privilege to drive.
B. Evidence of the right to drive.
C. A certificate of the right to drive.
D. A certificate of the privilege to drive.
E. The right to drive.
F. The privilege to drive.
G. Evidence of the ability to drive.
H. A certificate of the ability to drive.
I. The ability to drive.

4. It is OK to park in a no parking zone.
A. True
B. False

5. What type of license gives you the right to operate a vehicle over 26,000 lbs.
A. D
B. A
C. C
D. B

6. You can take a driving test at any DMV. (this question actually has nothing to do with whether or not you're a good driver but the state requires that we have 250 questions.)
A. True
B. False

7. What is the biggest problem with modern society.
A. Millions of Americans, many of them children, are without health care.
B. People are not wearing seat belts.
C. The Iraq War.
D. The decline of moral values.

8. Why are you taking this test.
A. I failed it by one stupid question the first time. (ha ha)
B. It's the first step in my transition to becoming a responsible adults.

9. What percentages of car crashes are within 25 miles of home.
A 26.2%
B 26.3%
C 26.4%
D 26.5%

10. What is the general attitude of teenagers toward driving. Allstate Insurance advertisments from the back covers of Newsweek magazine were used for this question.
A. It's a ticket to freedom.
B. It's a way to become more responsible.
C. They wish the age was raised to 17 for their own safety.
D. They think it's necessary.

Pun of the day

A group of people are playing a game with shovels to see who can make the biggest whole.

One of these people is really bored, he says, "I'm not really digging this activity."

Some lightbulb jokes iii

How many lightbulb jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb.

x, one to screw it in, and x-1 to behave in a stereotypical way associated with lightbulb jokes towards the light bulb.

How many people who don't understand roman numerals does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

xxl, iiii to screw it in and 2x+vi to turn the ladder around.

How many video game characters does it take to screw in a light bulb.

It doesn't matter, if you die you can just start over.

How many die hard nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

3.1415926535897932384626433832795

This joke isn't actually very funny but everyone else is pretending they like it so you should to.

Do you know who the Black Eyed Peas are.
I'm on a first name basis with all of them.
Do you know who the Black Eyed Peas are.
I'm on a first name basis with all of them.
Do you know who the Black Eyed Peas are.
I'm on a first name basis with all of them.
Do you know who the Black Eyed Peas are.
I'm on a first name basis with all of them.

Scarlet Letter Panel

Host: Welcome to our Scarlet Letter discussion, today we will be talking with President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, CBGU agent JB, and the wizard Hypertext Protocol.

Host: What should happen to Hester Prynne.

JB: After everything that's happened today I think we should give her immunity.

Host: What do you think about Hester Prynne:

Joe Biden: We've got the first mainstream sinner who is articulate, bright, and clean, and nice looking, that's storybook man.

Hypertext Protocol: She was in a dream I had last night.

Host: How do you think Hester is doing.

Obama: The past eight years have put a lot of strain on Hester and it's far from over but I think she's doing better thanks to my administration.

JB: My opinion is.

Host: Federal agent Bauer you are speaking out of turn.

JB: DARN IT!!!

Host: What do you think the forest symbolizes.

Hypertext Protocol: No clue, where's Hermeeon.

Host: Are you the father of Pearl

Biden: No, let me say that again, no.

What do you think about Pearl's relation with Hester.

JB: PEARL WAS ON THAT TARGETED BUS AND I SAVED HER!

Obama: I think Hester needs to put away the video games, turn of the television until Pearl's homework is done.

Host: Are you angry with Hester

Obama: I don't know, what is anger.

Host: Any last comments or opinions on Hester or Pearl.

Obama: She can not afford to return to policies of the last eight years.

Biden: If I were her I wouldn't go anywhere, now let me tell you about scranton. (this segment was deleted from the transcript)

Hypertext Protocol: Ah, my scar is hurting.

JB: There is something very important that I need to say, and it's that-

Host: JB, Mr. JB, we seem to have lost contact with Mr. JB but we're out of time. Please join us next time when we talk about The Crucible, a book very similar to this one.

Top 5 things I would buy from a door to door salesman

Top 5 things I would buy from a door to door salesman. (things I lost or haven't gotten around to buying yet.)

5. Something to get rid of the rainbow wheel

4. A Tree cutting service (so I never have to rake again!)

3. Backup dvds (for a a all offf the scra tched up ones)

2. A tivo remote

And finally, the #1 thing is

A no soliciting sign.

Ok, fine then, have it your way-

Mr./Mrs./Ms. Politically correct.

People that should argue together

Joe Biden vs. Dan Quayle

Rush Limbaugh vs. Michael Moore

Kelly Clarkson vs. Carrie Underwood (over which one the show likes more)

The Read family(Arthur) vs. the Simpson's

Heavenly humor

Why didn't you come to my funeral? I came to yours.

Financial lecture ii

More Finance Jokes, not based on a true story. (but then again most of this blog is based on the truth)

A man is giving a finance lecture, he says, "what kinds of monthly expenses are there."

The first person says, "house payments."

The second person says, "cars payment."

The government says, "bailouts"

A dog owner says, "unbreakable chew toys."

An English teacher says, "irony."

Barley half of the Obama cabinet says, "taxes."

John McCain says, "I'll have to get back to you on that."

An annoyed parent says, "100s of stpd txtmsgs, its not a lol matter, other then that. nothing really how about you. same. see u later.

Viewers like you said, "Contributions to my PBS station."

Financial lecture

Based on a true story. (then again, most of this blog is based on the truth)

A wise man giving a financial lecture says, "what kinds of monthly expenses are there?"

The first person says, "house payments."

The second person says, "car payments."

An observant person says, "High School Musical merchandise."

The two people next to him couldn't stop laughing.

Red Rover

The game where everyone's a winner, or nobody wins because you lost interest before it ended.

Reading causes problems with teenagers

Mr. and Mrs. Jones from Seattle got home from the movies one night to find some very disappointing results. Their oldest son Matthew was sitting on the couch reading a book and he wasn't sure where his younger siblings were.

Mr. Jones said, "We're very disappointed with our son, we expected him to be taking good care of his siblings but instead we found him just sitting on his lazy but reading The Grapes of Wrath."

Mrs. Jones said "I've always been jealous of our neighbors the Johnson's, when their oldest son babysits he turns on the TV and he and his siblings watch reruns of Spongebob for hours and they have a secure feeling of what their young children are doing, I don't think they've ever had to tell their children to stop reading and I wish my children where more like that."

Home is not the only place where reading is causing problems, according to the CDC the percentage of childhood obesity is skyrocketing and kids that stay inside all day just reading for hours is certainly not helping.

Some lightbulb jokes ii

How many Obama Nominees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to have problems in his own state, one to withdraw from consideration because of party differences, four or five to have trouble being confirmed by the senate on behalf of tax problems, a few from the republican party for an honest attempt for bipartisanship, and one with real world experience somebody that would know what it's like to be a lightbulb, and they have to be a team of rivals.

How many annoying songs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

give me an s, give me an e, give me a v, give me an e, give me an n. What does that spell? eight.

How many boring kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Uh, I don't know.

Some political advice

The goats are on the left.

And so are the democrats.

Definition Jokes

Government: The ones that never give up, because they still haven't won the 51 votes they need.

 

Michael Moore: The obese man that thinks it's the government that should take care of your health.

 

Hard work, perseverance, never giving up and a lot of practice: The thing that can make anybody sound like a good singer, oh wait, that's what the studio technicians do.

 

Americans: The things that like root beer.

Swing states: Where the struggling families are.

 

Public School: Where nothing happens in may.

 

Band: an ensemble typically containing a lead singer, guitarist, a bass player, a drummer and sometimes a keyboardist. 

Solo artist: technically they're not very common because they have these things to.

 

Encyclopedia: a source of data where mistakes remain uncorrected.

Bumper Stickers

Honk if...

 Obama has nominated you for commerce secretary.

You were TIME magazine's person of the year in 2006.

you've provided the voice of Arthur Read.

you've played the role of James Bond.

you just read the sparknotes.

you're breaking the speed limit.

you've guest starred on The Simpsons.

your vote for American Idol didn't go through.

you're a Floridian whose vote wasn't counted in 2000.

you're a rude loud driver.

The Smith Institute

The Smith Institute is a private institution in New York that helps kids that are distraught with A-'s and other cases of near perfection. Jonathan Smith said "these aren't bad kids, they've just been having a rough time, they've had to deal with 9/10s or 35's or 2nd places." 

Bob Bobward, a valedictorian front runner at Lincoln high school said, "in July College Board sent me a letter saying I only got a 4 out of 5 on the A.P. Rocket Science test, it was a nightmare, I put commas in the wrong places, I kept forgetting the table of elements, I even lost interest in pi. The Smith institute was very helpful, they helped me realize that I can be a great person in this world, even if I can't take all 36 A.P. tests."

The vision of the Smith Institution is to help kids reach 94% of their potential, not 93%.

Can you help me?

My name is princess Mariam, I'm a 20 year old girl from; you guessed Ghana, I am in desperate need of your help.
            In 2003 my parents, both Nigerian royalty and wealthy businessmen were both killed by, you guessed it; unknown assassins in the middle east.
            I need your help in retrieving their 6,000,000$ bank account so that I can continue my education, I am willing to share the profits with you 50/50.

You are also a winner, you have won the UK Yahoo MSN lottery, and you didn't even enter it. According to statisticians the chances of this happening are zero.

Forward this to 15 of your friends in the next 15 minutes, I need their help to, if you don't you will have bad luck.

High School

A teacher is giving a formal address to some students at Lincoln High school pertaining to Lincoln High School.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to this presentation on Lincoln High School. I wanted to have this presentation in the library but the entire library was closed for a small extra curricular activity and there was no warning."

"Here at Lincoln High School your will find a new meaning of school, a new meaning of learning, a new meaning of room temperature."

"One thing we take pride in at Lincoln High school is our atrium, it's only open for three days a year but we all love that dead bird."

"Shakespeare has said, "what's in a name," Here at Lincoln High school that's a very good question because during election season the spelling of your name is often the only thing people vote on. We also have freshman elections at the beginning of the year, we have found that it's most effective to have these freshman elections in the commons, because it's the only room most of them can find."

"We also take pride in our outstanding football team, last year they were the intergalactic champions, or something like that, to be honest with you I've lost interest. Other sports we are known for are basketball, soccer, volleyball, and walking up that one staircase."

"You will find all sorts of marv-" 

[the intercom comes on interrupts towards the end of class and the office lady says, "teachers and student's, we apologize for this interruption but we must tell you ounce again that tomorrow is a late start."]

"marvelous thing things here at Lincoln High, and every week here is a holiday, if you don't believe me look at the marquee, And even though I gave you a lot of homework, have a good weekend."

[The bell rings]

[A few seconds later the intercom come on and the office lady says "teachers and student's, we must tell you ounce again that tomorrow is a late start."]

Sorry kids, we have to go now, you know what they say...

Time flies when your unconscious.

The Obama agenda

After recently appointing Governor John Huntsman (R-UT) to China, Obama will appoint

Sarah Palin (R-AK) to Russia,

Bobby Jindal (R-LA) to India,

Newt Gingrich (R-GA) to Georgia

When a reporter pointed out that the three of these are all popular candidates for 2012 and none of them are fit for these positions, a spokesperson for the white house said "He's not trying to give himself any political advantage in 2012, it's only for bipartisanship, and he's a model of why you only need a couple years of experience for an important office."

Air

You appreciate it less when you don't have it.

Some good advice.

Listen to your heart, if it stops beating, you've made some wrong decisions.

Metaphor Poem

I will freeze you until I burn you.

            You treat me as I tell you to and when you think I am ready to satisfy you I will give you my cold center which will gag you.

            If you try to cure me of my cold center I will burn you and then you will leave me alone.

            I am a microwave Burrito.

William Shakespeare, "Twelfth Night"

Be not afraid of greatness: some people* are born great, some achieve greatness [any real musicians] and some have greatness thrust upon them. [Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers. [they're not that great, disney hypnotized people into thinking they're great]]

* originally "men"

Some Motivational Advice

There's no we in team, but there is a me if you rearrange it 

Sum recession humor

Mr. A went to a bank, he said "I need a loan," the bank said "funny I was going to ask you the same thing."

Mr. A received his mortgage payment, "he says I don't get it, a few years ago they wouldn't let me buy those houses, now they're telling me I have to."

Mr. A was overwhelmed with his taxes, he said "I don't see the point, they're just going to use money that doesn't exist anyway."

PBS and NPR to broadcast the super bowl.

The next super bowl will be broadcast by PBS with NPR. The half time show will be some dead late night jazz musicians that nobody will listen to, the musicians won't even know or care that they performed. The lead out program will be an hour long episode of Arthur, because the creators of that show aren't out of ideas yet. After that the news hour with Jim Lehrer will feature Shields and Brooks debating what the best Budweiser pledge drive was.

Some universal advice

Some say that Science is correct and God should be ignored.

I say God is correct and science should be ignored.

It's official "there's nothing to do"

After many testimonies  sleepless hours and lengthy briefs the Supreme Court has taken the side of some annoying nine year olds, there really is nothing to do. At a press conference The Chief Justice said "the reason we made this ruling was that there really is nothing to do, none of our friends can play chores are pointless, and activities such as playing outside or reading a book are both stupid."

The 5 to 4 ruling alows all children to watch tv every before they've even done homework, they will be alowed to watch shows like Arthur a show about kids that actually do something worthwhile.

The president understands the magnitude of this crises and is urging congress to pass tax credits to parents for buying more video games and cable. 

Some lightbulb jokes

Q. How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

A. I'm not sure some of them are actually from New Jersey.

Q. How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

A. Two, but you can use a keyboard if you want.

Q. How many high school students does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

A. Only one but your teacher won't put the results on powerschool for three weeks.

Q. How many speakers at a political convention does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

A.  Only one but you'll have to look at his website to see how.

Kidz Bop 15

The Kidz bop kidz have done it again, with their latest (but definitly not last, not even close) new album Kidz Bop 15, the album is a big improvement since kidz bop 13 and 14, but it's just not quite as refreshing as Kidz bop 5 6 or 10. It was quite a crowd pleaser but there one song that didn't quite work. It was the song Burnin' Up It's already a song by some immature kids.

Test Post

Dear reader, salutations, by the time you read this you will probably be alive, please don't comment.