Sad moments

• When you've made a move in Tetris that you know will result in you losing.
• When your wristwatch all of the sudden starts beeping hour and you don't know why and you don't know how to stop it.
• When the place you are in an online video catches up to the point that is loaded.
  
• When out of nowhere it snows, especially in May or October.

Haiku of Sarah Palin

North Korean friends

Retard is worse than f word

Lets refudiate

Turn it down, a poem of no particular format.

If I can hear the music playing from your headphones, turn it down.
If it's Justin Bieber, turn it down.
If it's mainstream pop or rap music, turn it down.
IF I HAVE TO SPEAK UP TO SAY ANYTHING, turn it down.
If I can feel my rib cage oscillate, turn it down.

Recent News Headlines

• Wikileaks set to publish Apocryphon of John
• Sarah Palin announces bid for Canadian presidency
• Will sales of Decision Points allow Bush to qualify for Bush Tax Cuts?
  

Things college students should to be greatfull for

• TA's who look at tests to prepare for review sessions even when they're not supposed to.
• Being able to avoid the new TSA procedures, for those of you who won't be flying over thanksgiving.
• Wikipedia,seriously, isn't it sad that Jimmy Whales has to personally appeal to us for money after all it's done for us.
• ratemyproffesors.com
  

Department of Education announces new college readiness standard

On Tuesday Education Secretary Ms. Frizzle announced a new initiative to better prepare high school students for college. These goals must be met for college level high school classes and include

• All college level classes must stop taking role.
• No cell phones can be confiscated.
• Youtube must not be blocked
• Being on facebook during lectures must be permissible.
• Instead of playing basketball with a trash can, review sessions must begin with a cool or funny youtube video that doesn't relate to the curriculum at all.

Mary Marion, a student at Blithmore University said she agrees with the new standards, "when I was a freshmen I was overwhelmed at the reality youtube was actually used for teaching, in high school the blocked youtube and I had a hard time getting used to the change."

Some food advice

Don't drink expired milk, don't eat expired milk either.

Based on that one commercial

Application Fee: 35$
Conference Table: 100$
The convenience when both people with a scheduled appointment both have to cancel: Priceless

Haiku of S'mores

Chocolate doesn't melt.
Cracker cracked too many ways.
Sticky lips and thumbs.

Some irony vi

• Boy Scout putting up U.S. flags to celebrate Utah's pioneer day.
• Facebook allows people to give contact information such as e-mail, however for many people facebook has become the way to contact people.
• Some media players will pause a video every few seconds to check for viruses, but the reason you want to check for viruses is so that that sort of thing doesn't happen.
  

Pun of the day xviii

I'm dying to know whether or not there is an afterlife.

Pun of the day xvii

Some people think meat isn't very good, I think that's just baloney.

Limerick about wikipedia

My optimism was dead.

What I wanted was linked in red.

Imagine my frustration.

All it offered was disambiguation.

Maybe what I'm trying to find is something I misread.

Why MLIA is better than facebook.

• You can check MLIA every hour and a half and it will be fresh.
• You don't find stupid stuff unless you go out of your way to the vote on submissions.
• You will not find 9.5 million people who "like" Justin Bieber on MLIA.

Nuck Chorris ii

• If Nuck Chorris were a snake he would bite himself.
• If you google Nuck Chorris you will find nothing.
• Nuck Chorris is convinced that it is butter.
• Nuck Chorris thought gullible was written on the ceiling; outside.
• Nuck Chorris can not tie a square knot.

pet peve of the day

Libraries putting their stickers on the worst possible place on the back cover of books.

Some irony v

• Some people don't what what Public Relations are and what they do?
• A cell phone or other electronic device flashes and/or beeping and/or vibrating every few minutes so it can tell you it's on low battery. [BOATS]
• I don't know about you but I have never heard someone say pu-ta-toe exect in the expression, some say potatoe, some say pu-ta-toe. (same with tu-ma-toe)

Muscles to smile

There is a saying that it takes some number of muscles to frown but much less to smile. The phrase really bugs me. One reason that it bugs is that people don't actually frown when they're mad. A frown is where the left and right ends of your mouth are lowered, people don't do that, in fact that looks dopy.

My other problem with that phrase is that it's maybe the only time when we encourage people do what is easy and takes energy. Is that a good message to teach America's youth, I don't think so. This one of those expressions that leaves a lot room to be made fun of. Here are some examples.

• It takes 40 muscles to frown but only 7 to give somebody the finger.
• It takes 37 muscles to frown but only 22 to smile so frowning is better exercise

It probably takes alot of muscles to give somebody a hug so there's some room there for humor.

Now that I'm on the subject of biological expressions I'm say that the expression "The early bird gets the worm" really bugs people, the way I know this bugs people is that there are so many comebacks, for example.

• What about the early worm
• The worm slept in
• The second mouse gets the cheese

Action tv

When a door is locked, there is always a fire extinguisher around the corner.

When someone wearing a bullet proof jacket they always unbotton the vest or whatever that was covering it.

Violent scenes often happen in parking garages

Netflix Tabs that don't but should exist

The following is a list of movies that netflix thinks you won't like but should watch anyway.

The following is a list of movies that you should watch just to see how stupid they are.

The following is a list of movies that netflix has been paid to put in their own tab.

The following is a list of movies that aren't that good but you can watch for free.

The Paradox of Television

Everyone is beautifull, but no one is married.

Things I get mixed up iv

Paris Hilton and Perez Hilton

Tetris and Tetnus

911 and 991

Yams and Sweet Potatoes

Lies you've been told

• Fires are red
• Flowers smell good
• You'll use cursive on a regular basis when you're in high schoool
• Late work is virtually unheard of in high school

Life is like...

A Computer: It gets really slow before it dies.

Ordering milkshakes: you never know how big it's gonna be.

Textbook example jokes

• "You might have a real future in flipping hamburgers."
• "I want to work for FOX news because it's fair and balanced." [BOATS]
• "You have so many eggs; that's capitalism." [BOATS]
• "Video games are a great way to experience the outdoors."
• "If you want to be more comfortable use ear bud headphones."
• It's intelligent to say that parents have no idea what it's like o be a teenager. [BOATS]
• "Fruitloops really are part of a healthy breakfast.
• "I never considered myself a maverick." [BOATS]

From now on the acronym BOATS will be theearthblog jargon for Based on a true story. Remember, you saw it here first.

The ABC's of annoying phrases.

An error has occurred.

Be the best you can be.

Can I go to the bathroom and not be late?

Did we do anything when I was gone.

Even though ______ does ______ when they hear us say it, this is car talk.

FML

Gosh

How do you know

I Don't know. Can you go to the bathroom?

Just kidding.

Kidding

Live together die alone.

McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!

Never mind.

Oh my *

Proof is left the the reader as an exercise.

Quite unfortunate. Sorry

Redo

Syntax error.

That's what she said.

Uhhhh.

Very, very, very...

Wow, I'm actually on time today?

XYZ

Your mom...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BSA announces new Merit Badge

On Tuesday a spokesperson for the Boy Scouts of America announced that they would be creating Merit Badge required for the rank of Eagle Scout.

The name of the new badge is Knot UNtying. According the BSA spokesperson the reason for creating this Merit Badge is to "have boys do something that is challenging and practical."

Requirements for the badge include.

• Untangle a bundle of Christmas Lights.
• Explain to your Merit Badge counselor when you should just give up on untying a knot and just go buy some new rope.
• Show your badge counselor how to untie a square knot.

Defining Moments

When you eat your first complete Costoco muffin.

When you realize that you can't get into Princess Peach's castle on Mario Kart.

Reading a book in a day.

Getting a perfect score on a test.

Driving stick shift.

When you discover that there is so much more to fast food, even burger fast food, than just McDonald's.

When you figure out that Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday.

A Haiku of the Boy Scout Klondike

Go to your bed soon.

Then after a few snow games.

Go to your home soon.

Commercial problems.

Sometimes you see a tv or hd commericial that tries to show you what your tv would look like if you used their product. If your not using that product how can it show you what it would look like if you did use it. However, there recently was a commercial where a guy said something like, "now you get the picture, actually you don't."

When seeing commericals it's important that you look at the fine print at bottom. Sometimes it sort of cammoflauges but it sends important messages. For example during the Subway commercail with that newly famous jingle it says that it's only at participating restruants. It's also pretty funny to see things along the lines of "do not not attempt, cars can not acually drive on buildings."

It's also interesting how some commercial such as matress ones will say you don't have to pay untill some specified date and they make it seem so far away. Try counting the months.

That

1. That word was illegible.
2. Nobody thought that that word was legible.
3. Nobody thought that that that was legible.
4. That that, that that boy wrote was ilegible.
5. Nobody thought that that that, that that boy wrote was leggible.

Some lightbulb jokes viii

How many episodes of 24 does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one more.

How many derivatives does it take to screw a lightbulb?
You got the equation right but you forgot to put the dx.

How many Costco samples dos it take to screw in a lgihtbulb?
They won't be ready for 10-15 minutes.

How many movement does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, but it takes too long if people clap between them.

Some irony iv

Sometimes when you see a word that's hard to pronounce you see something that shows you how to pronounce the word, but that guide leaves you even more clueless.

My school once held us from lunch to lecture us on anorexia.

Nuck Chorris

Nuck Chorris played a game of Red Rover, when it was over he was on the losing team.

Nuck Chorris can't play in tune on an electric synthensizer.

Microsoft Word doesn't name documents after Nuck Chorris, not even when his name is at the top.

Dumb Hollidays

Fiscal New Year

May 27th

April 01st (k)

Change your clocks at 2:00 AM hour

April 03rd (b)

100 questions: b-sides album

For various reasons these weren't good enough to be on the original post but you should pay 1.29$ [plus tax] on iTunes for it anyway.

I. Why do teachers say "have a good weekend" when they've given you a bunch of homework?

II. How in the world is Lost going to answer all of it's questions?

III. Why does 30 Rock win so many Emmys when it's not that funny?

IV. Is there life after school?

V. Why is the Newsweek logo always covered?

VI. Why does a scroll bar have those little bumps?

VII. How come the pages in A Series of Unfortunate events aren't all the same size?

VIII. Where did the Bible get it's name?

IX. If 24 happened on daylight savings would they call it 25 or 23?

X. How come in the world of science homework "k" stands for everything?

XI. How miserable would the world be if there were no theearthblog?

XII. How does everything on the show The West Wing fit in the white house?

XIII. How come nutcrackers don't actually crack nuts?

XIV. Why do people add or confirm me as facebook friends at 2:00 AM?

XV. Why do they play a song twice a day on the same radio station?

XVI. How come the mosquito repellent never works?

XVII. What does Rachel Ray sound like when she loses her voice?

XVIII. Why has Pandora started interrupting songs with advertisements?

XIX. How can you tell the difference between talking to a robot and a human on the phone?

XX. What's the deal with the rainbow wheel? (Take that mean mac commercials)

XXI. Was I supposed to put an 's on the two above questions? [The ones about Mario Party and The Land Before Time]

XXII. How do you spell Shakespeare?

Some lifetime advice.

Create a bucketlist before you die.

Things no one ever reads

Terms of service.

The music Album pamphlets.

This blog.

High school disclosure statements.

Health care proposals.

Things no one ever uses

The left appendage on an N64 controller and the cross shaped button pad on it.

The male underwear slot.

Chopsticks.

Facebook advice: Say hello, share the latest news, catch up with, etc.

The m+ and m- buttons on the simple calculator.

This one I found using google, it was a facebook fanbase: The white crayon

1st person opinion on hand drying methods.

There's hand sanitizer which is cool because you don't have to dry your hands with a towel but sometimes you accidentally squirt yourself too much and it doesn't all dry from your hand so you start cleaning your arms, neck, face, ears, etc. There's also those automatic paper dispensers where you swipe your hand and some paper comes out, but the problem is that hardly any comes out so your thinking "nice, two fingers down, 8 plus the palms to go" and once it dispenses some paper it takes forever to dispense some more so you eventually just give up and use your shirt. There's also those blowers that take pride in not killing trees, the problem with this is that they take way to long, it's no wonder that you often see them running with nobody using them when you walk into the bathroom, this is another technique results in people just giving up and using their shirts.

Some organizational advice

Be careful about planing anything on the daylight savings sunday.

Pun of the day xvi

A driving instructor asks a student how their parallel parking is. The student says, "I'm kind of hit and miss with it."

Some lightbulb jokes vii

How many annoying complaining kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I never get to screw in a lightbulb.

I call I get to change this time, no battle, whiteout, blackout, no call backs, no matter what, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 super ultimate power call.

How come I always have to screw it in.

No fair, how come I never get to screw it in.

100 questions: The 100th post/birthday spectacular!

1. How come on Microsoft Word, when you're typing, a sentence will be underlined in green for a split second every time you type a key?

2. What's the difference between a Euphonium and a Baritone?

3. In terms of ingredients, what's the difference between waffles and pancakes?
4. What's the difference between jelly and jam?

5. How much facebook activity happens between 12:00 AM and 6:00 AM?
6. How come when cartoon characters open a book it's always half way open?

7. Where is the remote?

8. What are the most overplayed artists on the radio?

9. What are the nation's 15 intelligence agencies?

10. What is the meaning of all those buttons on the remote that you never use?

11. Do they honestly expect me to have enough time to read the FBI warning at the beginning of movies?

12. How come the cover story sometimes has nothing to do with what the text on the front cover says it's about?

13. Is there anything significant or secret under the globe logo?

14. How was it determined that there should be a half step between b and c; and e and f?

15. What is deet?

16. Why is there a lonely house placed by a random part of the freeway?

17. Why does the couch change color when you rub it?

18. What do ACT and SAT stand for?

19. How do they decide who gets to audition for the judges during the audition episodes of American Idol?

20. How come most Nutcrackers can't actually cut nuts?

21. How come the headphone on the left plays different sounds from the headphone on the right?

22. When an advertisement says something received 4 stars, how do I know that's not out of 5?

23. Will Michael Jordan come out of retirement again?

24. Why does Queen need to have four (possibly more) greatest hits albums?

25. Why do batteries always expire in MAR?

26. Why does some ice have holes through it?

27. What good does the star and the number sign on the phone do?

28. How many times has The Simpsons repeated the coach gag where the clone Simpsons are already on the couch?

29. Why are windows always dirty?

30. Why do they give you 6 orange creamies and 9 banana creamies when it should be the other way around?

31. How did we decide that raspberries blue?

32. Why do hotel rooms have doors to lead to locked doors?

33. What does http:// mean?

34. Why do people say "could care less," that means that there is some care?

35. What are all the different ways to end a url?(.com, .edu, gov, etc)

36. Why do commercials always tell you to ask your parents permission before getting online?

37. How many Simpsons episodes are there where Mr. Burns asks Smithers who Homer is and Smithers says, "that's Homer Simpson sir?"

38. How many Final Fantasy games are there?

39. When they say "just in time for the holidays" is it ever really a coincidence?

40. How come I can find a zillion articles on the internet about something on the internet but I can't find the actual thing?

41. If brown eyes are the dominant trait and blue eyes are the recessive trait than where do green eyes come from?

42. What happened to the Gilligan's island survivors?

43. Why does the ACT skip letters E and I on it's answers?

44. Why does the ACT use FGHJ as answers instead of just ABCD?

45. How come you can't get Beatles music on iTunes?

46. Why do iPod headphones repeal each other?

47. What is 0^0?

48. Why are the jobless claims either way worse than anyone expected or better than anyone expected but still really bad, don't they ever get it right?

49. Why can't you take the February ACT in New York?

50. Why does facebook not show the entire profile picture?

51. How many people have done the role of Anakin Skywalker in any way?

52. How come DVDs and music are always released in stores on Tuesdays?

53. Why is the current threat advisory level always orange?

54. What does i.e. stand for?

55. Why does the battery level on your ipod go back and forth?

56. Did Jimmy Carter accuse Michael Steele of being racist?

57. How many people died in Harry Potter 7?

58. How do teachers find education websites with really long URL's?

59. Is Hannah Montana real or fictional?

60. Is Lemony Snicket real or fictional?

61. What is the plural form of Netflix? For example: there were two N_____ in the mail today.

62. How come when a movie is in wide screen they put the subtitles on the picture instead of the black bar at the bottom?

63. When you site a website using MLA format you're supposed to include the title, meaning the text in the gray bar at the top, but how do type a vertical line?

64. Are Bon Jovi and Daughtry solo artists or the lead singers of bands named after themselves?

65. What does RSVP stand for?

66. What does "fragment consider revising" mean?

67. If something is worth buying does it need advertising?

68. Why have robots started talking on the phone?

69. How many times on House M.D. has someone quit the hospital and then come back a few episodes later?

70. Does John Krasinski (from The Office) narrate commercials?

71. How many "ose" words are there for sugar?

72. How many Pokemon are there nowadays?

73. Why do they release greatest hits albums of artists whom are still active?

74. What's the difference between who and whom?

75. What do all the f buttons at the top of the keyboard do?

76. How common is the surname Smith?

77. Why do discs have rainbows?

78. What happened to the McDonalds ball pits?

79. Are there really no two snowflakes that are alike?

80. Which was more over-hyped, swine flu or bird flu?

81. Are James Bond, Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne the only action heros with the initails JB?

82. How many Mario Party's are there?

83. How many Land before Time's are there?

84. What are all the purposes of commas?

85. How come when I type one wrong letter in the URL somethings stupid still comes up?

86. How come nobody in The Hunger Games series has a regular name?

87. What happened to the protagonist from the Sopranos?

88. How many plays did Shakespeare write?

89. Are all pencils number 2 pencils?

90. What are we going to call 00's decade?

91. How come some years the Grammy Award for "Best Rock Performance by Duo or Group with Vocals" goes to a song some years and other years it goes to an album?

92. According to the Grammys, what is the difference between a song and a record?

93. What does it mean when you're on a search engine and some of the entries are indented to the right?

94. How come the projector isn't working?

95. What do people on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere do for a living?

96. Is Bakugan the new Pokemon or Yugioh thing?

97. Why do channels go up to the hundreds?

98. Is MLK day officially known as Martin Luther King Jr. day or Civil rights day?

99. How do you clean a disc?

100. How is a blind person supposed to know where braille signs are without the vision of someone whom might as well read it out loud to them?

I've been working on this post longer than you've awake so please be forgiving of it.

Things I get mixed up iii

CTU and TCU

The search results on YouTube and the search results on iTunes

The dynamic marking forte and the rhythm four te

NSA and NASA

Bad political strategies

Picking a running mate who looks like a popular comedian.

Getting President Obama to campaign for you.

For local elections: Using slogans, for some reason keywords work better.

Pun of the day xv

Why did the politician resign.

He was fed up with government.

Some irony iii

The phonetic pronunciation of FCC.

The reality that the word phonetically is not pronounced phonetically.

Sometimes first prize isn't actually first because there's a grand prize.

Not having enough gas money to go on a hike, walk, camping trip, etc.

Funny Political Conundrum

1. A presidential candidate makes campaign promises and later makes more promises when sworn in.

2. The president shows a less than impressive performance in keeping those promises.

3. The members of the president's opposite party accuse the president of not keeping his promises.

But why? Those members didn't want him to keep those promises in the first place.

Ubiquitous Nerdiness

The clothing logo for vans looks like typing a square root sign and an ans(1) on a Texas Instruments calculator.

Pun of the day xiv

I was trying to learn that magic table cloth trick. It was tricky, but I managed to pull it off.

Some Bipartisan advice

In order to help America we must set aside our differences and do things my way.

Some heavenly advice

The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed.

The kingdom of hell like mustard.

Radio Republicans

On tuesday the Congressional Budget Office announced that President Obama has suddenly fixed everything.

Several radio republicans have been critical of his recent actions, "the president told the american people multiple times during the campaign trail that he wouldn't fix everything overnight or even a year, he has broken his promise to the american people."

At the president's upcoming state of the union he is expected to announce new goals for the nation that he does not expect to be met within the year or even his first term. When asked about to give his hopes for the president in less than 400 words Rush Limbaugh said, "I don't need 400 words I need 4; I hope he succeeds!"

Some computer advice

Remember this my son. Once you've started numbering something on a word document; there's no going back.

Some ACT advice

Traditional test taking advice: Study, get rest, bring your, ticket dress comfortably, make sure you know where the test center is, read the directions carefully (even though they never change), read the passages carefully, read the questions carefully.

But most importantly: Make sure you don't fill in the wrong bubble, don't think about the football game, and make sure you won't be dying to use the bathroom.

theearthblog presents: The 2009 earthblogies

Nominations and winners announced in 2010 because it doesn't make sense to announce recognitions, nomination, and winners for a year that isn't over yet.

thearthblog lifetime achievement award

This year's lifetime achievement award goes to everyone named Jonathan Smith or John Smith, but especially to the ones named Jonathan Smith. The first reason for this award is that you were in the post called The Smith Institute and later in another post called Facebook page of someone who needs a job. I (the author of this blog) didn't even realize you were in two posts until after publishing both of them. The Second reason is that according to wikipedia dozens of you have pages for all the good works you have accomplished. The third reason is that there are so many of you that a lot of you probably got your names from witness protection programs; theearthblog would like to thank you for your service to our nation and wish you good luck in hiding from the mafia.

Award of the Year

Runner up: The Oscar for best actor in a supporting role and the Golden Globe for Best Performance by and Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.

theearthblog post of the year

Runners up:

High School

Some irony

Arizona State

Thing that was around but you never heard of till 2009

The VMA awards and the AMA awards.

Pronunciation you learned in 2009

"Euthanasia" isn't "youth in Asia."

Notable births of 2009

The baby born on the plane to Salt Lake City.

The baby where the donor moms from Ohio got the embryos mixed up.

The octomom babies.

The twin born on Dec 31st, 2009 whose twin was born Jan 1st, 2010.

Job of the Year

Runner up: Commerce Secretary

3rd place: Fake employee

Stupid decision of the year

Runners up:

Advancing Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle to hollywood week as well as voting for him.

An iPod for the Queen and a dvd for the prime minister.

Notable deaths overshadowed by Michael Jackson

Les Paul

Eunice Kennedy Shriver

Robert McNamara

Walter Cronkite

Winners

Award of the Year: The Nobel Peace Prize

theearthblog post of the year: Scarlet Letter Panel

Job of the Year: Death panel bureaucrat

Stupid decision of the year: Facebook changing its format

Two things you should be able to fan on facebook. Maybe you can.

Using hand sanitizer just because you like the way it disappears from your hand

I don't look at the rules on crosswords I just count how long the words are and see way they fit

Sports Award.

At a high school football championship game there was a presentation to honor a few football players who had athletic and academic success. The announcer said that the combined grade point average of the players was 4.0; this could be interpreted to mean that if you add their 7 or 8 GPAs together you get a 4.

Some irony ii

An American Eagle shirt with a tag that says "made in Vietnam."

Many of Shakespeare's plays involve women that have to pretend to be men to find employment because of gender roles and discrimination. Interestingly women weren't allowed to be hired as actors in plays during Shakespeare's time.

In Children's media the man and women will often do something bold and noble because they love each other. However they've often only spent about 4 minutes getting to know each other.

When people sing Rudolph the red nose reindeer they can't remember the names of the reindeer that they claim are well known, and then they ask if you know the most famous reindeer of all as if he's not that famous.