College Board makes announces 6 new tests

Last Tuesday College Board announced that they were creating the following A.P. tests for the 2010-2011 school year.

A.P. whatever your smart lab partner does B

A.P. whatever your smart lab partner does C: Nerdy kids

A.P. whatever your smart lab partner does C: Answers & Drawings

A.P. Block Dude (AB & BC)

A.P. SparkNotes and Composition

Some educational advice

The answers to life's odd problems are not in the back of any book.

Facebook page of someone who needs a job

(They say that employers look at your facebook pages and that affects weather you get hired)

Jonathan Smith loves his children.

Recent Activity

Jonathan and Big Client are now friends

Jonathan became a fan of hard work

Jonathan became a fan of being on time

Jonathan and the people who give out bailouts are now friends

Basic Information

Networks: Harvard

Sex: Male

Relationship Status: Married

Interested in: Women

Political views: Honesty

Religious views: Honesty

Personal information

Activities: Customer service, long and frequent meetings.

Interests: Mondays

Favorite TV Shows: I Love Lucy, The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, Sesame Street, The Brady Bunch, Holgan's heroes.

Favorite Movies: It's a wonderful life, Casablanca, Citizen Cane, 12 Angry Men, Singin' in the Rain, Gone with the Wind, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Next, The Sound of Music, It Happened One Night

Favorite Books: Jane Eyre, The Odyssey, Of Mice and Men, Romeo and Juliet, To Kill a Mockingbird. Macbeth, Lord of the Flies, The Crucible, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Catcher in the Rye, The Grapes of Wrath, The Great Gatsby, The Scarlet Letter, The Jungle, Death of a Salesman, and of course, The Complete works of William Shakespeare.

Favorite Quotations:

That's a great idea boss

I just made a sale

I am easily satisfied with the very best.

-Winston Churchill

Ask not what your employer can do for you, but what you can do for your employer.

If we are Strong, our strength will speak for itself. If we are weak, words will be no help.

-John F. Kennedy

To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult.

-Friedrich Nietzsche.

The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Education and Work

Talented and Gifted High School

Harvard

Previous Employer: White House

Position: High ranking person.

Pages

Children

The Boss

Volunteerism

Helping around the house

Efficiency

Groups

Eagle Scouts, Prominent Father figures, I don't use facebook that much, I speak a foreign language, petition to make the world a better place, 1,000,000 strong for respect for women, no I do not tie my tie in that annoying giant knot way.

Life is a proctored test. The 50th post/6 month spectacular.

Please read out loud the following rules to the students.

Welcome to life, life is a test, please listen to the following rules before you begin.

In life your will be presented with multiple choices. You may not talk about the multiple choice section with any person at any time ever, not in this life or the next.

Please sign the statement that says that if anyone offers to give this test to before the designated time you will absolutely refuse.

You may not talk about the multiple choice section with any person at any time ever, not in this life or the next.

You are forbidden from talking about the written section of your life until 48 hours after it is over, on an unrelated note. You may not talk about the multiple choice section with any person at any time ever, not in this life or the next. If you talk about the written section 47 hours later we will somehow find out and rescind your score.

Please start filling out the scantron, the instructions for filling it out are a lot more complicated than the test itself so pay attention. Please fill out sections A, B, b, C, AA, 1, 2, VII, If you are taking the test for eternal credit fill out Sections: Four, 4, The middle subsection of Section B, and all of the purple ones unless they are square shaped.

You may only use a Number 2 pencil, Number 1 Pencils are an abomination.

This is the English publication of the test, therefore only essays in english will be scored.

You may not use a calculator on the essay portion of the test.

Please put all cell phones, iPods, mp3 players, gameboys, watches, computers, pacemakers, toothbrushes, and every other electronic in the world except for your calculator at the front of the room.

Don't you dare let any pencil lead get outside of the bubbles, the bubble must be completely filled, if you have a change of heart on one of the answers the original bubble must be entirely cleansed.

During the trial there will be a short break, during the break you may not consult any notes, teachers, friends, textbooks, mentors, Simpsons episodes, or the internet.

You are forbidden from talking to your Alaska and Hawaii friends for the next two days.

Please fill in the correct answer for every question, please go over the example below, it will be very helpful.

Which of the following is an animal.

A) Cat

B) Boat

C) House

D) Chicago

In this example the correct answer would be A) cat, so you would circle the bubble for A). Make sure you always read the directions at the beginning of the questions.

You must instantly drop your pencil when the test is over.

You are not allowed to cheat.

For the free will section of the test there are 9 questions in 90 minutes we recommend spending 17 minutes on questions 1 and 3, and 11 minutes for questions 2, 4, 5, 6, and 7.

If you don't know the meaning of life, skip it and come back to it later.

Ounce again you may never talk about the multiple choice section, they've put it in bold three times.

You will receive your score during the last week of July, after all it takes a long time to grade a scantron.

Remember, do your best you've been preparing yourself for this and you'll do fine. But even more important than that.

You may not talk about the multiple choice section with any person at any time ever, not in this life or the next.

The Law of Dance Diffusion

In a hypertonic solution a cell will shift from a high to low concentration.

During a slow dance the dance floor will shift from a high to low concentration.

Pun of the day vi

What do you call a group of people who encourage others to plant plants?

A grass roots campaign.

You know you're from the 00's when. ii

The price of gas makes you cry.

You've lost faith in George Lucas.

Instead of Santa, you have annoying arguments about weather (not pun intended) or not global warming is real.

You can't figure out how a VCR works.

You say you can't live without food, water, or your phone.

Your virtual life is virtually your life.

You don't have to dry your hands when you wash them anymore.

Some irony

A teacher wasting class time to talk about how the No Child Left Behind Act is bad for the educational system.

Radio stations taking time to put emphasis on how their songs are uninterrupted.

Not being able to contact you phone or Internet company's customer service because your phone or Internet isn't working.

Television that encourages kids to read.

Some lightbulb jokes iv

How many Orthodontists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I originally said 6, but I think we're going to need another 3.

How many Complaining kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Like 400 Billion.

How many presidential nominees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's an important issue and another important issue is how my opponent is always wrong.

How many Student council kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one but you need to wear your school spirit.

Facebook

All over the world people are fascinated with the phenomena of Facebook.

A.J. a shy Freshman at Lincoln High School said, "when I first moved here I thought nobody liked me, but now thanks to Facebook I've made a lot of friends without really trying."

His mother agrees, she said, "it's a great way to keep in touch with people from high school that I once made eye contact with."

A.J. also said, "I've joined like a million groups, and about half of them claim to be the largest one." Keep in mind that when it comes to facebook group terminology 1,000,000, usually means about 200,000.

A.J. also said, "it's also a great way to appreciate music, I joined a fan club for Michael Jackson, all 71 of them, a few of which I'm half the membership."

Facebook is also known for it's quizes, the quizes are sort of like fast food resturaunts, not only do they both have one and a half, occasionally two stars, but also in the sense that they ask a few questions, and then you get a crappy result.

You know you're from the 00's when

You dissaprove of the president.
You can't figure out what those phones in public places are for.
Your NEW iPod is no longer new.
You're overwhelmed by the size of 90's headphones.
You can't remember the last time you saw a commercial. (dvr)
You don't have any complete albums. (iTunes)
You count your friends.

You know you're from the 90's when.

You keep hearing about the new pokemon.
You've lost interest in political scandals.
You got your own line for your 16th birthday.
You thought the concept of sending text was obscure.
You braged about caller I.D. to all your friends.
You just got the internet!!!
You thought we were only a decade away from a flying car. (wait, that's every decade.)