theearthblog

Haiku of jigsaw puzzles

2011-05-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

So many pieces
Put it all together and
Some of them are lost

Some lightbulb jokes x

2011-05-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

How many Obamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one but he needs a lightbulb certificate.

How many silent people does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many deaf people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What?

How many psychologists/therapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, and how do you feel about that.

Haiku of Provo

2011-03-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

Girls with big blond hair
Lake that nobody visits
Get married quickly

Some lightbulb jokes ix

2011-03-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
An infinite number. One to change half of it. Another to change a quarter of it. Another to change and eighth of it. Another to change a sixteenth of it.

How many Mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 0!

How many physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It should be only one but for some reason it doesn't work.

How many physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It should be only one but we get two because of measurement errors.

Nuck Chorris iv

2011-02-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

Nuck Chorris went to the bathroom, by himself.
Nuck Chorris died, twice, without coming back to life in between.
Nuck Chorris is the reason peanut jars are required to say "warning, may contain nuts."
Likewise for why sleep medication is required to say "may cause drowsiness."

Some Notational advice

2011-02-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

For any upside-down capital A, there exists a backwards capital E, therefore we do not have three dots pointing up, because we have three dots pointing down.

College Syllabus

2011-02-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

Tests: There will be two midterms throughout the term. You will not know what you are being tested on.
TA Reviews: In preparation for every test the TA's will hold a review session. You can get a participation point for going to one of these review sessions but the real reason you want to go is that my lectures aren't very helpful and this is one of those classes where a 90-120 minute review session will teach you more than 3 or 4 weeks of my lectures.
Class schedule: The schedule for homework and homework due dates is below, you'll notice that it's obviously wrong because it's the one for last semester and I always forget to update it.
Gender Discrimination: It seems that every syllabus has to have a description of Title IX so I'll put it here just to be safe. But I think it's a sports thing. Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972...
Department Guest Lecture Series: Every Thursday at 11:00 our department invites a successful person from our field to give a lecture in the Wood Auditorium. The lectures probably won't help you but they're somewhat interesting and I am willing to offer extra credit points for going because I think it would be embarrassing if we invited these people and nobody showed up.

Nuck Chorris iii

2011-01-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

My GPA is higher than Nuck Chorris's I.Q.
Nuck Chorris has facebook enemies
Nuck Chorris counted to ten, twice, in English.
Nuck Chorris doesn't know his left from his write.
Nuck Chorris says that there are three kinds of people, those he puts into one group, and those he puts into the other.

Things the people on 24 never have to deal with

2011-01-12T07:00:00.000-08:00

Snow
Low Cell phone batteries
Slow computers
The possibility of uploading evidence onto youtube
Low gas
Food needs
Bathroom needs
Cars not starting

theearthblog presents: The 2010 earthblogies

2011-01-08T19:00:00.000-08:00

theearthblog's lifetime achievement award
This year theearthblog is proud to award its lifetime achievement award to everyone who over the period of a few days somehow managed to eradicate to world of violence against children, famine, war, world hunger, abuse, gender discrimination, and even death for everyone that the BP chairman refered to as "the little people" by changing their profile picture to cartoon characters and bringing back cherished memories of the pokemon craze of 1999-2002.

Award of the Year Award
Runner Up: Nobel Peace Prize

theearthblogpost of the year award
Runner Ups:

Recent News Headlines
Nuck Chorris
Nuck Chorris ii
BSA announces new Merit Badge
Some irony ii

Non-Presidential Election of the Year Award

Alaska Senate election Is it cow ski?
Delaware Senate Election I am not witch
Nevada Senate Election Tea Party's fault?
Illinois Senate Election Obama's senate seat, I'm surprised I didn't hear much buzz about it.

Job of the year award
Runners Up:

American Idol Judge
Chilean miner
Afghanistan general

Things that took forever in 2010

Health Care reform
Oil Spill cleanup
Three day Wimbledon Match
Chilean Miners rescue

Winners

Award of the Year Award: The Oscar for best director
Non-Presidential Election of the Year Award: Massachusetts special senate election; there both available
Job of the Year Award: The Host for NBC's The Tonight Show
theearthblog post of the year award: 100 questions: The 100th post/birthday spectacular!

Stuff that was considered but not put in. In the order that I thought of them.

Toyota recall
Refudiate
Our North Korean allies
Justin Bieber
Health Care
Russian Spy swap
Oil Spill-We care about the little
Wikileaks
Lost finale
Immigration reform-Brewer goes blank
Haiti Earthquake
General McCrystal
Greece Bailout
Ground Zero Mosque
Volcanoe
South Africa horn things
Rally to restore sanity
Conan O'Brian
iPad
Prop 23
Burn a Qu'ran day
TSA
American Idol judges all quitting
Big Bleeping deal
Vatican and Homer Simpson
Pope's statement on condoms.
Ruined perfect baseball game
Double Rainbow
Rapist video
Old Spice guy
China Google
Pants on the ground

Sad moments

2010-12-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

When you've made a move in Tetris that you know will result in you losing.
When your wristwatch all of the sudden starts beeping hour and you don't know why and you don't know how to stop it.
When the place you are in an online video catches up to the point that is loaded.
When out of nowhere it snows, especially in May or October.

Haiku of Sarah Palin

2010-12-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

North Korean friends

Retard is worse than f word

Lets refudiate

Turn it down, a poem of no particular format.

2010-12-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

If I can hear the music playing from your headphones, turn it down.
If it's Justin Bieber, turn it down.
If it's mainstream pop or rap music, turn it down.
IF I HAVE TO SPEAK UP TO SAY ANYTHING, turn it down.
If I can feel my rib cage oscillate, turn it down.

Things college students should to be greatfull for

2010-11-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

TA's who look at tests to prepare for review sessions even when they're not supposed to.
Being able to avoid the new TSA procedures, for those of you who won't be flying over thanksgiving.
Wikipedia,seriously, isn't it sad that Jimmy Whales has to personally appeal to us for money after all it's done for us.
ratemyproffesors.com

Department of Education announces new college readiness standard

2010-11-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday Education Secretary Ms. Frizzle announced a new initiative to better prepare high school students for college. These goals must be met for college level high school classes and include

All college level classes must stop taking role.
No cell phones can be confiscated.
Youtube must not be blocked
Being on facebook during lectures must be permissible.
Instead of playing basketball with a trash can, review sessions must begin with a cool or funny youtube video that doesn't relate to the curriculum at all.

Mary Marion, a student at Blithmore University said she agrees with the new standards, "when I was a freshmen I was overwhelmed at the reality youtube was actually used for teaching, in high school the blocked youtube and I had a hard time getting used to the change."

Some food advice

2010-10-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

Don't drink expired milk, don't eat expired milk either.

Based on that one commercial

2010-10-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

Application Fee: 35$
Conference Table: 100$
The convenience when both people with a scheduled appointment both have to cancel: Priceless

Haiku of S'mores

2010-10-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

Chocolate doesn't melt.
Cracker cracked too many ways.
Sticky lips and thumbs.

Some irony vi

2010-09-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

Boy Scout putting up U.S. flags to celebrate Utah's pioneer day.
Facebook allows people to give contact information such as e-mail, however for many people facebook has become the way to contact people.
Some media players will pause a video every few seconds to check for viruses, but the reason you want to check for viruses is so that that sort of thing doesn't happen.

Pun of the day xviii

2010-09-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

I'm dying to know whether or not there is an afterlife.

Pun of the day xvii

2010-09-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

Some people think meat isn't very good, I think that's just baloney.

Limerick about wikipedia

2010-08-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

My optimism was dead.

What I wanted was linked in red.

Imagine my frustration.

All it offered was disambiguation.

Maybe what I'm trying to find is something I misread.

Why MLIA is better than facebook.

2010-08-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

You can check MLIA every hour and a half and it will be fresh.
You don't find stupid stuff unless you go out of your way to the vote on submissions.
You will not find 9.5 million people who "like" Justin Bieber on MLIA.

Nuck Chorris ii

2010-08-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

If Nuck Chorris were a snake he would bite himself.
If you google Nuck Chorris you will find nothing.
Nuck Chorris is convinced that it is butter.
Nuck Chorris thought gullible was written on the ceiling; outside.
Nuck Chorris can not tie a square knot.

pet peve of the day

2010-08-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

Libraries putting their stickers on the worst possible place on the back cover of books.

Some irony v

2010-07-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Some people don't what what Public Relations are and what they do?
A cell phone or other electronic device flashes and/or beeping and/or vibrating every few minutes so it can tell you it's on low battery. [BOATS]
I don't know about you but I have never heard someone say pu-ta-toe exect in the expression, some say potatoe, some say pu-ta-toe. (same with tu-ma-toe)

Muscles to smile

2010-07-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

There is a saying that it takes some number of muscles to frown but much less to smile. The phrase really bugs me. One reason that it bugs is that people don't actually frown when they're mad. A frown is where the left and right ends of your mouth are lowered, people don't do that, in fact that looks dopy.

My other problem with that phrase is that it's maybe the only time when we encourage people do what is easy and takes energy. Is that a good message to teach America's youth, I don't think so. This one of those expressions that leaves a lot room to be made fun of. Here are some examples.

It takes 40 muscles to frown but only 7 to give somebody the finger.
It takes 37 muscles to frown but only 22 to smile so frowning is better exercise

It probably takes alot of muscles to give somebody a hug so there's some room there for humor.

Now that I'm on the subject of biological expressions I'm say that the expression "The early bird gets the worm" really bugs people, the way I know this bugs people is that there are so many comebacks, for example.

What about the early worm
The worm slept in
The second mouse gets the cheese

Action tv

2010-07-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

When a door is locked, there is always a fire extinguisher around the corner.

When someone wearing a bullet proof jacket they always unbotton the vest or whatever that was covering it.

Violent scenes often happen in parking garages

Netflix Tabs that don't but should exist

2010-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

The following is a list of movies that netflix thinks you won't like but should watch anyway.

The following is a list of movies that you should watch just to see how stupid they are.

The following is a list of movies that netflix has been paid to put in their own tab.

The following is a list of movies that aren't that good but you can watch for free.

The Paradox of Television

2010-07-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Everyone is beautifull, but no one is married.

Things I get mixed up iv

2010-06-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton and Perez Hilton

Tetris and Tetnus

911 and 991

Yams and Sweet Potatoes

Lies you've been told

2010-06-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Fires are red
Flowers smell good
You'll use cursive on a regular basis when you're in high schoool
Late work is virtually unheard of in high school

Life is like...

2010-06-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

A Computer: It gets really slow before it dies.

Ordering milkshakes: you never know how big it's gonna be.

Textbook example jokes

2010-06-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

"You might have a real future in flipping hamburgers."
"I want to work for FOX news because it's fair and balanced." [BOATS]
"You have so many eggs; that's capitalism." [BOATS]
"Video games are a great way to experience the outdoors."
"If you want to be more comfortable use ear bud headphones."
It's intelligent to say that parents have no idea what it's like o be a teenager. [BOATS]
"Fruitloops really are part of a healthy breakfast.
"I never considered myself a maverick." [BOATS]

From now on the acronym BOATS will be theearthblog jargon for Based on a true story. Remember, you saw it here first.

The ABC's of annoying phrases.

2010-06-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

An error has occurred.

Be the best you can be.

Can I go to the bathroom and not be late?

Did we do anything when I was gone.

Even though ______ does ______ when they hear us say it, this is car talk.

FML

Gosh

How do you know

I Don't know. Can you go to the bathroom?

Just kidding.

Kidding

Live together die alone.

McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!

Never mind.

Oh my *

Proof is left the the reader as an exercise.

Quite unfortunate. Sorry

Redo

Syntax error.

That's what she said.

Uhhhh.

Very, very, very...

Wow, I'm actually on time today?

XYZ

Your mom...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BSA announces new Merit Badge

2010-06-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday a spokesperson for the Boy Scouts of America announced that they would be creating Merit Badge required for the rank of Eagle Scout.

The name of the new badge is Knot UNtying. According the BSA spokesperson the reason for creating this Merit Badge is to "have boys do something that is challenging and practical."

Requirements for the badge include.

Untangle a bundle of Christmas Lights.
Explain to your Merit Badge counselor when you should just give up on untying a knot and just go buy some new rope.
Show your badge counselor how to untie a square knot.

Defining Moments

2010-06-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

When you eat your first complete Costoco muffin.

When you realize that you can't get into Princess Peach's castle on Mario Kart.

Reading a book in a day.

Getting a perfect score on a test.

Driving stick shift.

When you discover that there is so much more to fast food, even burger fast food, than just McDonald's.

When you figure out that Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday.

A Haiku of the Boy Scout Klondike

2010-06-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

Go to your bed soon.

Then after a few snow games.

Go to your home soon.

Commercial problems.

2010-05-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you see a tv or hd commericial that tries to show you what your tv would look like if you used their product. If your not using that product how can it show you what it would look like if you did use it. However, there recently was a commercial where a guy said something like, "now you get the picture, actually you don't."

When seeing commericals it's important that you look at the fine print at bottom. Sometimes it sort of cammoflauges but it sends important messages. For example during the Subway commercail with that newly famous jingle it says that it's only at participating restruants. It's also pretty funny to see things along the lines of "do not not attempt, cars can not acually drive on buildings."

It's also interesting how some commercial such as matress ones will say you don't have to pay untill some specified date and they make it seem so far away. Try counting the months.

That

2010-05-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

That word was illegible.
Nobody thought that that word was legible.
Nobody thought that that that was legible.
That that, that that boy wrote was ilegible.
Nobody thought that that that, that that boy wrote was leggible.

Some lightbulb jokes viii

2010-05-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

How many episodes of 24 does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one more.

How many derivatives does it take to screw a lightbulb?
You got the equation right but you forgot to put the dx.

How many Costco samples dos it take to screw in a lgihtbulb?
They won't be ready for 10-15 minutes.

How many movement does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, but it takes too long if people clap between them.

Some irony iv

2010-05-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you see a word that's hard to pronounce you see something that shows you how to pronounce the word, but that guide leaves you even more clueless.

My school once held us from lunch to lecture us on anorexia.

Nuck Chorris

2010-04-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

Nuck Chorris played a game of Red Rover, when it was over he was on the losing team.

Nuck Chorris can't play in tune on an electric synthensizer.

Microsoft Word doesn't name documents after Nuck Chorris, not even when his name is at the top.

Dumb Hollidays

2010-04-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

Fiscal New Year

May 27th

April 01st (k)

Change your clocks at 2:00 AM hour

April 03rd (b)

100 questions: b-sides album

2010-04-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

For various reasons these weren't good enough to be on the original post but you should pay 1.29$ [plus tax] on iTunes for it anyway.

I. Why do teachers say "have a good weekend" when they've given you a bunch of homework?

II. How in the world is Lost going to answer all of it's questions?

III. Why does 30 Rock win so many Emmys when it's not that funny?

IV. Is there life after school?

V. Why is the Newsweek logo always covered?

VI. Why does a scroll bar have those little bumps?

VII. How come the pages in A Series of Unfortunate events aren't all the same size?

VIII. Where did the Bible get it's name?

IX. If 24 happened on daylight savings would they call it 25 or 23?

X. How come in the world of science homework "k" stands for everything?

XI. How miserable would the world be if there were no theearthblog?

XII. How does everything on the show The West Wing fit in the white house?

XIII. How come nutcrackers don't actually crack nuts?

XIV. Why do people add or confirm me as facebook friends at 2:00 AM?

XV. Why do they play a song twice a day on the same radio station?

XVI. How come the mosquito repellent never works?

XVII. What does Rachel Ray sound like when she loses her voice?

XVIII. Why has Pandora started interrupting songs with advertisements?

XIX. How can you tell the difference between talking to a robot and a human on the phone?

XX. What's the deal with the rainbow wheel? (Take that mean mac commercials)

XXI. Was I supposed to put an 's on the two above questions? [The ones about Mario Party and The Land Before Time]

XXII. How do you spell Shakespeare?

Some lifetime advice.

2010-04-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

Create a bucketlist before you die.

Things no one ever reads

2010-03-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

The music Album pamphlets.

This blog.

High school disclosure statements.

Health care proposals.

Things no one ever uses

2010-03-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

The left appendage on an N64 controller and the cross shaped button pad on it.

The male underwear slot.

Chopsticks.

Facebook advice: Say hello, share the latest news, catch up with, etc.

The m+ and m- buttons on the simple calculator.

This one I found using google, it was a facebook fanbase: The white crayon

1st person opinion on hand drying methods.

2010-03-13T15:34:00.000-08:00

There's hand sanitizer which is cool because you don't have to dry your hands with a towel but sometimes you accidentally squirt yourself too much and it doesn't all dry from your hand so you start cleaning your arms, neck, face, ears, etc. There's also those automatic paper dispensers where you swipe your hand and some paper comes out, but the problem is that hardly any comes out so your thinking "nice, two fingers down, 8 plus the palms to go" and once it dispenses some paper it takes forever to dispense some more so you eventually just give up and use your shirt. There's also those blowers that take pride in not killing trees, the problem with this is that they take way to long, it's no wonder that you often see them running with nobody using them when you walk into the bathroom, this is another technique results in people just giving up and using their shirts.

Some organizational advice

2010-03-12T16:27:00.000-08:00

Be careful about planing anything on the daylight savings sunday.

Pun of the day xvi

2010-03-05T15:57:00.001-08:00

A driving instructor asks a student how their parallel parking is. The student says, "I'm kind of hit and miss with it."

Some lightbulb jokes vii

2010-02-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

How many annoying complaining kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I never get to screw in a lightbulb.

I call I get to change this time, no battle, whiteout, blackout, no call backs, no matter what, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 super ultimate power call.

How come I always have to screw it in.

No fair, how come I never get to screw it in.

100 questions: The 100th post/birthday spectacular!

2010-02-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

1. How come on Microsoft Word, when you're typing, a sentence will be underlined in green for a split second every time you type a key?

2. What's the difference between a Euphonium and a Baritone?

3. In terms of ingredients, what's the difference between waffles and pancakes?
4. What's the difference between jelly and jam?

5. How much facebook activity happens between 12:00 AM and 6:00 AM?
6. How come when cartoon characters open a book it's always half way open?

7. Where is the remote?

8. What are the most overplayed artists on the radio?

9. What are the nation's 15 intelligence agencies?

10. What is the meaning of all those buttons on the remote that you never use?

11. Do they honestly expect me to have enough time to read the FBI warning at the beginning of movies?

12. How come the cover story sometimes has nothing to do with what the text on the front cover says it's about?

13. Is there anything significant or secret under the globe logo?

14. How was it determined that there should be a half step between b and c; and e and f?

15. What is deet?

16. Why is there a lonely house placed by a random part of the freeway?

17. Why does the couch change color when you rub it?

18. What do ACT and SAT stand for?

19. How do they decide who gets to audition for the judges during the audition episodes of American Idol?

20. How come most Nutcrackers can't actually cut nuts?

21. How come the headphone on the left plays different sounds from the headphone on the right?

22. When an advertisement says something received 4 stars, how do I know that's not out of 5?

23. Will Michael Jordan come out of retirement again?

24. Why does Queen need to have four (possibly more) greatest hits albums?

25. Why do batteries always expire in MAR?

26. Why does some ice have holes through it?

27. What good does the star and the number sign on the phone do?

28. How many times has The Simpsons repeated the coach gag where the clone Simpsons are already on the couch?

29. Why are windows always dirty?

30. Why do they give you 6 orange creamies and 9 banana creamies when it should be the other way around?

31. How did we decide that raspberries blue?

32. Why do hotel rooms have doors to lead to locked doors?

33. What does http:// mean?

34. Why do people say "could care less," that means that there is some care?

35. What are all the different ways to end a url?(.com, .edu, gov, etc)

36. Why do commercials always tell you to ask your parents permission before getting online?

37. How many Simpsons episodes are there where Mr. Burns asks Smithers who Homer is and Smithers says, "that's Homer Simpson sir?"

38. How many Final Fantasy games are there?

39. When they say "just in time for the holidays" is it ever really a coincidence?

40. How come I can find a zillion articles on the internet about something on the internet but I can't find the actual thing?

41. If brown eyes are the dominant trait and blue eyes are the recessive trait than where do green eyes come from?

42. What happened to the Gilligan's island survivors?

43. Why does the ACT skip letters E and I on it's answers?

44. Why does the ACT use FGHJ as answers instead of just ABCD?

45. How come you can't get Beatles music on iTunes?

46. Why do iPod headphones repeal each other?

47. What is 0^0?

48. Why are the jobless claims either way worse than anyone expected or better than anyone expected but still really bad, don't they ever get it right?

49. Why can't you take the February ACT in New York?

50. Why does facebook not show the entire profile picture?

51. How many people have done the role of Anakin Skywalker in any way?

52. How come DVDs and music are always released in stores on Tuesdays?

53. Why is the current threat advisory level always orange?

54. What does i.e. stand for?

55. Why does the battery level on your ipod go back and forth?

56. Did Jimmy Carter accuse Michael Steele of being racist?

57. How many people died in Harry Potter 7?

58. How do teachers find education websites with really long URL's?

59. Is Hannah Montana real or fictional?

60. Is Lemony Snicket real or fictional?

61. What is the plural form of Netflix? For example: there were two N_____ in the mail today.

62. How come when a movie is in wide screen they put the subtitles on the picture instead of the black bar at the bottom?

63. When you site a website using MLA format you're supposed to include the title, meaning the text in the gray bar at the top, but how do type a vertical line?

64. Are Bon Jovi and Daughtry solo artists or the lead singers of bands named after themselves?

65. What does RSVP stand for?

66. What does "fragment consider revising" mean?

67. If something is worth buying does it need advertising?

68. Why have robots started talking on the phone?

69. How many times on House M.D. has someone quit the hospital and then come back a few episodes later?

70. Does John Krasinski (from The Office) narrate commercials?

71. How many "ose" words are there for sugar?

72. How many Pokemon are there nowadays?

73. Why do they release greatest hits albums of artists whom are still active?

74. What's the difference between who and whom?

75. What do all the f buttons at the top of the keyboard do?

76. How common is the surname Smith?

77. Why do discs have rainbows?

78. What happened to the McDonalds ball pits?

79. Are there really no two snowflakes that are alike?

80. Which was more over-hyped, swine flu or bird flu?

81. Are James Bond, Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne the only action heros with the initails JB?

82. How many Mario Party's are there?

83. How many Land before Time's are there?

84. What are all the purposes of commas?

85. How come when I type one wrong letter in the URL somethings stupid still comes up?

86. How come nobody in The Hunger Games series has a regular name?

87. What happened to the protagonist from the Sopranos?

88. How many plays did Shakespeare write?

89. Are all pencils number 2 pencils?

90. What are we going to call 00's decade?

91. How come some years the Grammy Award for "Best Rock Performance by Duo or Group with Vocals" goes to a song some years and other years it goes to an album?

92. According to the Grammys, what is the difference between a song and a record?

93. What does it mean when you're on a search engine and some of the entries are indented to the right?

94. How come the projector isn't working?

95. What do people on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere do for a living?

96. Is Bakugan the new Pokemon or Yugioh thing?

97. Why do channels go up to the hundreds?

98. Is MLK day officially known as Martin Luther King Jr. day or Civil rights day?

99. How do you clean a disc?

100. How is a blind person supposed to know where braille signs are without the vision of someone whom might as well read it out loud to them?

I've been working on this post longer than you've awake so please be forgiving of it.

Things I get mixed up iii

2010-02-19T16:00:00.000-08:00

CTU and TCU

The search results on YouTube and the search results on iTunes

The dynamic marking forte and the rhythm four te

NSA and NASA

Bad political strategies

2010-02-13T17:28:00.000-08:00

Picking a running mate who looks like a popular comedian.

Getting President Obama to campaign for you.

For local elections: Using slogans, for some reason keywords work better.

Pun of the day xv

2010-02-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

Why did the politician resign.

He was fed up with government.

Some irony iii

2010-02-08T14:05:00.001-08:00

The phonetic pronunciation of FCC.

The reality that the word phonetically is not pronounced phonetically.

Sometimes first prize isn't actually first because there's a grand prize.

Not having enough gas money to go on a hike, walk, camping trip, etc.

Funny Political Conundrum

2010-02-06T09:04:00.000-08:00

1. A presidential candidate makes campaign promises and later makes more promises when sworn in.

2. The president shows a less than impressive performance in keeping those promises.

3. The members of the president's opposite party accuse the president of not keeping his promises.

But why? Those members didn't want him to keep those promises in the first place.

Ubiquitous Nerdiness

2010-02-05T14:55:00.000-08:00

The clothing logo for vans looks like typing a square root sign and an ans(1) on a Texas Instruments calculator.

Pun of the day xiv

2010-02-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

I was trying to learn that magic table cloth trick. It was tricky, but I managed to pull it off.

Some Bipartisan advice

2010-01-30T17:00:00.000-08:00

In order to help America we must set aside our differences and do things my way.

Some heavenly advice

2010-01-26T14:09:00.000-08:00

The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed.

The kingdom of hell like mustard.

Radio Republicans

2010-01-20T12:01:00.000-08:00

On tuesday the Congressional Budget Office announced that President Obama has suddenly fixed everything.

Several radio republicans have been critical of his recent actions, "the president told the american people multiple times during the campaign trail that he wouldn't fix everything overnight or even a year, he has broken his promise to the american people."

At the president's upcoming state of the union he is expected to announce new goals for the nation that he does not expect to be met within the year or even his first term. When asked about to give his hopes for the president in less than 400 words Rush Limbaugh said, "I don't need 400 words I need 4; I hope he succeeds!"

Some computer advice

2010-01-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

Remember this my son. Once you've started numbering something on a word document; there's no going back.

Some ACT advice

2010-01-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

Traditional test taking advice: Study, get rest, bring your, ticket dress comfortably, make sure you know where the test center is, read the directions carefully (even though they never change), read the passages carefully, read the questions carefully.

But most importantly: Make sure you don't fill in the wrong bubble, don't think about the football game, and make sure you won't be dying to use the bathroom.

theearthblog presents: The 2009 earthblogies

2010-01-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

Nominations and winners announced in 2010 because it doesn't make sense to announce recognitions, nomination, and winners for a year that isn't over yet.

thearthblog lifetime achievement award

This year's lifetime achievement award goes to everyone named Jonathan Smith or John Smith, but especially to the ones named Jonathan Smith. The first reason for this award is that you were in the post called The Smith Institute and later in another post called Facebook page of someone who needs a job. I (the author of this blog) didn't even realize you were in two posts until after publishing both of them. The Second reason is that according to wikipedia dozens of you have pages for all the good works you have accomplished. The third reason is that there are so many of you that a lot of you probably got your names from witness protection programs; theearthblog would like to thank you for your service to our nation and wish you good luck in hiding from the mafia.

Award of the Year

Runner up: The Oscar for best actor in a supporting role and the Golden Globe for Best Performance by and Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.

theearthblog post of the year

Runners up:

High School

Some irony

Arizona State

Thing that was around but you never heard of till 2009

The VMA awards and the AMA awards.

Pronunciation you learned in 2009

"Euthanasia" isn't "youth in Asia."

Notable births of 2009

The baby born on the plane to Salt Lake City.

The baby where the donor moms from Ohio got the embryos mixed up.

The octomom babies.

The twin born on Dec 31st, 2009 whose twin was born Jan 1st, 2010.

Job of the Year

Runner up: Commerce Secretary

3rd place: Fake employee

Stupid decision of the year

Runners up:

Advancing Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle to hollywood week as well as voting for him.

An iPod for the Queen and a dvd for the prime minister.

Notable deaths overshadowed by Michael Jackson

Les Paul

Eunice Kennedy Shriver

Robert McNamara

Walter Cronkite

Winners

Award of the Year: The Nobel Peace Prize

theearthblog post of the year: Scarlet Letter Panel

Job of the Year: Death panel bureaucrat

Stupid decision of the year: Facebook changing its format

Two things you should be able to fan on facebook. Maybe you can.

2010-01-07T18:38:00.000-08:00

Using hand sanitizer just because you like the way it disappears from your hand

I don't look at the rules on crosswords I just count how long the words are and see way they fit

Sports Award.

2010-01-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

At a high school football championship game there was a presentation to honor a few football players who had athletic and academic success. The announcer said that the combined grade point average of the players was 4.0; this could be interpreted to mean that if you add their 7 or 8 GPAs together you get a 4.

Some irony ii

2010-01-02T07:00:00.001-08:00

An American Eagle shirt with a tag that says "made in Vietnam."

Many of Shakespeare's plays involve women that have to pretend to be men to find employment because of gender roles and discrimination. Interestingly women weren't allowed to be hired as actors in plays during Shakespeare's time.

In Children's media the man and women will often do something bold and noble because they love each other. However they've often only spent about 4 minutes getting to know each other.

When people sing Rudolph the red nose reindeer they can't remember the names of the reindeer that they claim are well known, and then they ask if you know the most famous reindeer of all as if he's not that famous.

Prayer

2009-12-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

Please help this test that just bumped my arm to go well, and please help yesterday's test to have gone well. We're grateful for the french fries and the ice cream and please bless them that they may nourish and strengthen our bodies. Please help us to reach the room down the hallway safely. Please help those who didn't want to be that they will want to be here next time.

Word of the Year

2009-12-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

asdf ā-es-dē-ef

Noun

1 What someone types when they are not sure if the computer program they are typing on -such as facebook, blogspot, online applications, etc- is using spellcheck or not.

2 What someone types as an email subject for an email they don't care about. I was sending an email to myself so I just put asdf as my subject.

3 What someone types when they need to type something.

ORIGIN Late 20th century early 21st century from the internet language.

pun of the day xiii

2009-12-21T09:47:00.000-08:00

What are the benefits of working in the field of agriculture?

You get to enjoy the fruits of your labors.

Some lightbulb jokes vi

2009-12-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

How many tv personalities does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

We'll have that number and more, after the break.

How many adults does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

When I was your age we didn't even have lightbulbs.

How manny rappers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, it's not that complicated, they set a beat and say some rhyming stuff about how they and their brothers are changing lightbulbs in the hood.

Can Green Day change a lightbulb?

Yes, but somewhere around the middle you'll think they stopped.

Murphy's law of the day ii

2009-12-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

No matter how many times you try using water to rinse the milk out of the cup; the taste still won't go away until you drink it.

Pun of the day xii

2009-12-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

A boy is shoveling a man's driveway. He's gotten all of the snow cleared but he still needs some salt. The man comes out; he is satisfied with the boy's performance so far and he says, "that's anice job."

Things I get mixed up ii

2009-12-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

U2, you too, you two, and YouTube.

Dell, Windows, and Microsoft.

Christmas season and Thanksgiving season. (music on the radio)

Spring constant, kinetic energy, Boltzmann constant, kilo, Kelvin, thermal conductivity, Columb's law constant, magnetic constant, dielectric constant, and everything else k stands for.

The inconsistency of men women jokes ii

2009-12-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

There are jokes about how women are such bad drivers.

Example: Beer has estrogen, you start crying, you talk to much and don't make sense, and you can't drive.

Yet men have to pay higher insurance rates, particullary teens.

Health Care Observations

2009-11-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

The republicans generally say that the private sector out performs the public sector and puts it to shame. For example conservatives are more likely to support school vouchers. However they say that the democrats' health care plans shouldn't be passed because a "public option" would be terrible because it would "destroy" the private insurance sector, interestingly they would talk about inefficiencies at the dmv when this stuff was getting started.

Harry Reid recently said that there would likely be health care vote on the upcoming Saturday, a few weeks earlier there already was a likely vote on health care on saturday.

Health care reform is to hard to pay attention to because sometimes there is a public option, sometimes there isn't, and sometimes it's an optional public option.

You've probably heard about this but some people have been seen holding up signs that say "keep the government out of my medicare."

RS

2009-11-19T14:25:00.000-08:00

Bias?

In December of 2004 a list was compiled of the 500 best songs, number 1 was Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan, number 2 was Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones, the list was put together by Rolling Stone Magazine.

Irony?

In March of 2004 Rolling Stone magazine compiled a list of the 100 best artists in a list titled The Immortals. Number 70 was The Police and it was presented to them by Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers.

Great Gatsby Panel

2009-11-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Lemony Snicket: Good afternoon, today we will discusing The Great Gatsby and the American Dream, our panel today consists of Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate, Sarah Palin, video game character, Link, and Facebook Friend, My name is Lemony Snicket and I will be your host today.

Lemony Snicket: For those of you who are listening let me warn you that this is the most terrible radio program on the air and if you listen you will be totally miserable. With all do respect Lemony Snicket.

Lemony Snicket: For Beatrice, how I hope to never explain who you are.

Lemony Snicket: First of all, what is the Admirable American Dream.

Link: A boy can leave his unsupervised home, earn bragging rights by figuring out every annoying side-quest, (which is debatably very awesome or very pathetic) and make a living by finding a place with reproductive pots, so that he'll be so rich that he doesn't enjoy finding large amounts of money anymore.

Sarah Palin: A person can leave there home an by hard work they can become more than a hockey-mom, but also have so many houses that they can't even count them all.

Facebook Friend: thinks the american dream is that a man can build a successful farm and bother his friends to become farm neighbors and send them gifts that not all of them care about.

Lemony Snicket: Facebook Friend explain the Rational Reason for a Fair Farm.

Facebook Friend: wants the audience to know that it's a game we play on Facebook. One of the ways that it ties in with the american dream is that we all hope is that our farmer will be prosperous enough to purchase a computer make a Facebook account of his own and that he himself can play farmville.

Lemony Snicket: You mean to tell me that there are Virtual Fun Doings within Virtual Fun Doings, an expression which here means a virtual life within virtual life.

Facebook Friend: says yes, this is what Dwight was getting at in that office episode where he was telling the audience about his flying salesman who played a virtual life game.

Lemony Snicket: What should people do when they are discouraged.

Link: Grunt, pause, and look at the Internet.

Facebook Friend: Only 3 more days.

Lemony Snicket: Until what?

Link: Heuh.

Sarah Palin: Until' whatcha?

Lemony Snicket: What is meant by the Brilliant Billboard over the Valley of Fine Dirt and expression which here means The Valley of Ashes.

Facebook Friend: doesn't know what the english reading is, someone tell him.

Lemony Snicket: In case you have ever wondered[Link held down the "b" button to skip this section of the transcript because Mr. Snicket just stalls by describing an obscure scenario or state of mind instead of moving the plot forward]

Sarah Palin: I can see the green light from Gatsby's house.

Facebook Friend: kik.

Link: Tee hee hee.

Lemony Snicket: Now let's take a question form the Adorable Audience.

Caller: For Facebook Friend; what are the first three chapters about, and why do you keep talking in third person.

Facebook Friend: blames it on the new facebook format.

Facebook Friend: thinks that the third capter is about Nick recieving an invitation to Gatsby's parties and how nobody there cares who Gatsby is.

Facebook Friend: thinks that first chapter has Nick introducing himself and talking about a lesson he learned from his dad.

F Scott Fitzgerald, Zelda Fitzgerald, and someone you don't even know are now friends with Facebook Friend.

Facebook Friend: says that the second chapter introduces the Valley of Ashes.

Nick Carroway, Jordan Baker, and three friends are attending Gatsby's party.

Lemony Snicket: Why is it that your responses are all of the sudden out of order and about things we don't care about, wouldn't it make more sense to put that stuff in a Cute Column on the right.

Lemony Snicket: I'm having a hard time putting together Facebook Friend's Curious Chronology.

Link: You think his is hard to figure out. Try solving mine, it starts out with Farore, Din, and Nayru creating Hyrule and later selecting seven sages including including Rauru, and then it gets really complex.

Sarah Palin: Wow, and I thought my kids had clever names.

Lemony Snicket: I now have some questions for Sarah Palin that the audience sent through Entertaining E-mail, give me a just a second, it's difficult to turn through these pages because they're not all the same size, you could massage yourself on it as I have done on many unfortunate occasions.

Lemony Snicket: What is the difference between East Egg and West Egg?

Sarah Palin: Lipstick, with a bridge to nowhere in between them.

Lemony Snicket: To my dear kind editor the next literature radio panel will be about The Crucible, you are my last hope that the tales of Salem Massachusetts may be told to the general public even though I will tell people not to read them, with all due respect Lemony Snicket.

Interesting Fact: Shigeru Miyamoto has said that the Legend of Zelda games (where Link comes from) were named after Zelda Fitzgerald.

The inconsistency of men women jokes

2009-11-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

A husband's perspective of his wife.

Someone who spends too much money on stupid stuff.

Example: A man says, "my wife's credit card was stolen." His friend says, "that's terrible." The man says, "not really, whatever stole it is spending less money than she was."

A son's perspective of his mom.

Someone who doesn't spend nearly as much money as his dad on stupid stuff, particularly fast food.

Example: A Simpsons episode where Bart asks Marge if they can buy a pretzel and she says, "we have pretzels at home."

Ten Things Readers Digest Won't Tell You

2009-11-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

1 The table of contents is out of order.

2 The cardboard like pages make it harder to turn through the pages.

3 The bar code often covers parts of the pictures on the front covers but not the advertisements on the back.

4 Sometimes you'll see the answers to the puzzle before you see the puzzle.

5 To cut out the coupons you often have to cut up the last laugh page.

6 The Dec 2009 and the Jan 2010 issue are both the same.

7 The funny quotes are in bold text and the people who thought of them are in small text.

8 Every issue asks you to renew your subscription.

9 The content is frequently interrupted by boring advertisements.

10 We went bankrupt.

Some lightbulb jokes v

2009-11-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

How many Microsoft Word programs does it to screw in a lightbulb.

Fragment (consider revising)

How many annoying figure out how this game works games does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

It was the number of fingers I was showing.

How many pokemon does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

The number goes up by about 100 every few years, each time there's less interest.

How many senators or congressmen does it take to screw in a lgithbulb.

Nancy Pelosi has her number, Harry Reid has his, The republicans are supposed to come up with one but they'd rather just oppose the democrats' number, it'll take 60 to prevent a filibuster because the founding fathers believed that a majority shouldn't be enough to screw in a lightbulb. There are actually many different plans on how to screw in a lightbulb even though you often hear about people criticizing the president's plan as if there were only one plan. But no matter how complicated the answer is, some committee (not the senate itselft, just some committee, although if you thought they meant the senate as a whole I don't blame you) will likely have some sort of precursor vote by the end of next week. They were hoping it would be screwed in by August but in retrospective it's kind of funny that we thought that might happen.

Things blogspot underlines in red. (I would know)

2009-11-04T16:31:00.000-08:00

blogspot (Ironic)

Barack Obama (George W. Bush is underlined in green)*

facebook (All three of these are underlined in red on facebook as well)

*Barack Obama is the only one not highlighted in yellow if you click the Check Spelling button.

Arizona State (continued)

2009-10-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

The Nobel committee's formal reason for giving President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize was, "For his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples." Republicans quickly accused the award saying that he he has not accomplished enough to receive either the Nobel Peace Prize or an honorary degree from Arizona State. Democrats say that he has met the Nobel committee's definition of the prize which is coincidentally; "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."

Arizona State

2009-10-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday Arizona State University announced that Prsident Obama has still not accomplished enough to earn an honorary degree, despite giving the commencement address at last summer's graduation ceremony.
A few months after recieving the honorable Not Bush Award, President Obama was awarded with People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive award, People defended the award citing his massive stimulus.
He also recently became the first person to recieve a Presidential Medal of Freedom from himself, although after giving sixteen in August it's not even cool anymore. The president, with his grammy award winning voice replied, "I was shocked, to be honest I don't think I deserve this but I will accept it anyway."
The Person of the Year's advice to those New Jersey children is, "Put away the tv and video games until the homework is done, unless it's me on ESPN."

How to tell if someone is Mormon

2009-10-24T20:51:00.001-07:00

Do they not leave until you offer refreshments?

Do they read through the ingredients on the cola?

Do they have an impulse to put away chairs?

When you say "steak", do they ask for a clarification?

Pun of the day xi

2009-10-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

Why is it that becoming a pilot isn't to hard?

Because if it doesn't come naturally you can just wing it.

Pun of the day x

2009-10-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

What do pro-Nixon people and anti-Nixon people agree on?

He definitely executed the office of President of The United States.

Murphy's law of the day

2009-10-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

A technology will work until you're showing people how it works.

A technology will not work until you try showing someone that it doesn't.

Pun of the day ix

2009-10-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Why couldn't someone be a British Grenadier Guard?

He wasn't in good standing with the government.

Pun of the day viii

2009-10-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

Why did they make an action thriller movie about a boy scout camping trip.

Because camping is intense.

Pit

2009-09-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

Classic Pit: Dealer gives everyone cards, you trade x number of cards with someone else in exchange for x cards, all cards must be the same but bear and bull both count as as wild card. First person to get 9 of the same food wins.
Communist Pit: Dealer decides who trades with who. Libertarian Pit: There are no rules, but it works out.
Enron Pit: You trade three cards in exchange for two.
2008 Pit: Dealer gives everyone a new hand on top of the one they already have.
Obama Pit: Large stimulus given to everyone over the next to years, this works well because there's no telling what would've happened if the bill hadn't been passed.
AIG Pit: The players give you a ton of cards and then you reward yourself.

Things I get mixed up

2009-09-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

ACLU and UCLA

Coldplay and Clearplay

Stephen King and Stephen Hawking

Stephen and Steven (to be honest I'm not sure if I got it right on the above duo)

I can't think of anything

2009-09-21T13:44:00.001-07:00

I've been really struggling lately to think of new post ideas, it's not a laughing matter, but I really wish it was.

Unfunny oxymoron

2009-09-14T13:45:00.001-07:00

Secularist Christmas music.

Pun of the day vii

2009-09-10T14:12:00.000-07:00

Why was Senator Kennedy such a great leader?

He was open-minded.

Some sportsmanship advice

2009-09-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

I do not underestimate others, I simply overestimate myself.

You should never lie, because we all know where liars go.

2009-09-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

The White House

Washington

(this joke does not refer to any particular person or group of people, it is a joke about american attitudes about politicians)